The Life and Times of S

Time passes.
Priorities change.
Memories fade.
Such is life.

posted by S @ 1:15 PM 0 comments

Take a bow.
The night is over.
This masquerade is almost over.
The lights are low.
The curtain is down.
There is no one here.
There is no one in the crowd.


By the way, do you believe in magic?

Random. I know.

posted by S @ 9:30 PM 0 comments

Musings III

Yesterday, while I stood behind a fireman in line for the cash at the grocery store, I noticed how perfect his hands were, despite being a fireman. Now, I don't have a thing for firemen, like most women. Tall, dark haired, green-eyed cops in black uniforms maybe, but not firemen. But I do have have a strange fetish, no wrong word, a strange kind of admiration for nice hands.


On a very separate note, yesterday, I had to meet with a taxpayer for my work. It was 11.30 am on a Wednesday morning. When I went over to his residence, I met with his wife, since he was unavailable. She was no older than 30, shabbily dressed, had obviously been cooking all morning and was carrying a six-month old boy in her arms in a house that was clearly too small for a child to play in.

While she signed away the papers I had asked her to sign, I asked her how long she had been in Canada. I do have a strange knack of getting people to talk about their lives. Anyway, she said, in her thick South Asian accent, she is from Bangladesh and has been here for 11 years. She doesn't like it here, she said.

And then she asked me how long I had been here and if I liked it here. And my response took her completely by surprise. She didn't say anything. But I could see it her tired, brown eyes. I don't think it was the fact that in my six years here, I've learnt to speak English the way I do. I think it was the fact that I like it here.

After I left, I got to thinking. Why was it that she hated being here as much as she did? And suddenly, I realized how lucky I have been to have the kind of support, financial and family, that I did when I first came. I am extremely independent now. But I couldn't have gotten to where I am today without all the help I was lucky enough to get.

Mind you, it took a lot of effort on my part too. A new country. New people you want to befriend while they try to judge if they want to accept you. New driving laws even. Back to school. Working for the first time. Everything was different. So very different. And given my extreme dislike for change, it took every last ounce of my patience, self-control and discipline to keep going. It still does.

And a whole lot of time. Its been six years. And I'm still counting.

And I realized why she doesn't like it here. The lack of independence, financial and mental. And the burden, physical, mental and financial, of a child. I know I shouldn't judge. I know I just may have ended up in her position had I not had the support. But I know that with some determination, she could have made her life a lot more than what it is today and what it is probably going to be for a long time to come.

As I sit alone in my most favourite little corner of my house that is the first thing I ever bought with my own money and the house that I've grown to love as much as I do, I thank my stars. I thank every single person who listened. Who contributed a kind or encouraging word along the way. And who didn't judge.

And I thank myself. For making the choices that I did.



I should really get back to studying.

posted by S @ 8:29 AM 0 comments

Close your eyes. And I'll be on my way.
I hate to go.

I dream about the days to come when I won't have to leave alone.

And I won't have to say.
I'm leaving on a jet plane.
Don't know when I'll be back again.

I hate to go.

posted by S @ 8:18 PM 0 comments

Hugs or kisses, you ask?

Mmmm. Hugs. And lots of them.
As I sit alone in my study yet again, I think. I am the most affectionate person I know and I really can't understand how some people are just not. I mean, words can only go so far when you're trying to express yourself.

Anyway, speaking of hugs, I just saw Sears' new commercial for the holidays. It reads," Every gift comes with a hug....". Very cute. And very Christmas-y. Just like the snow tonight.

On a separate note, here is one of my favourite lines from the lyrics of one of my favourite songs: "Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you."

It really does.

posted by S @ 10:18 PM 0 comments

Endless Endings

Do you ever wonder about what the future may hold for you?
Or for those you care about?

Does it scare you?

posted by S @ 5:56 PM 0 comments

What lies beneath....

I recently discovered something about someone I know and it really made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe my eyes. I can just imagine what his/her family must be going through right now.

So I got to thinking about how one may know a person, or one may think that one knows a person, and all of a sudden, you turn around, and that person turns out to be something you had never known or even imagined.

Really makes you think about what truly lies beneath.
Puts the whole "Don't judge a book by its cover...." thing into perspective.

posted by S @ 9:28 AM 0 comments

So I play a little game with myself everytime I walk down the street. I keep a count of every head, be it walking past or driving past or even just standing on the front porch, that I can turn. Twice the points for a double take.

I know its a sad thing to do but it makes the walk a little more fun. And sometimes the score really adds a skip to your step.

I play another game with myself too. I keep count of every time I've been right about someone.

I am very proud of my score.

posted by S @ 7:25 PM 0 comments

So I am training for this new opportunity that may come up in the near future all this week at a location other than my regular office. When I walked into my designated office for this week this morning, I heard bangles clinking. Soflty. Sweetly. Just the way my Mom's bangles clink. Always.

And even though, I knew it wasn't her bangles that I had just heard and even though I knew full well in my heart that she wasn't around, the clinking comforted me. Just like her presence does.

It made me very, very sad.


On a not so separate note, I went to Mum and Dad's for dinner today. It has been the ritual for the past number of months that every Wednesday, I go to Mum and Dad's for dinner after my Body Jam class. So I was already not feeling very good when I got to Mom's as I haven't been to Body Jam in two weeks now and those who know me know how much I love that hour of my week. And as soon as I entered Mum's family room and saw them both relaxing on the couch, in one somewhat surprising mental blast of light, I realized that I can never in all my life be who I truly am with them.

And that hurts.

How does it feel to know the ones you truly love are half a world away? All the time?
And how does it feel to know that won't be changing any time soon? Or ever?


If I'm not there already, I think I may become cynical soon.

posted by S @ 8:05 PM 0 comments

If you ever have a moment, spare a thought for me.

posted by S @ 7:10 PM 0 comments

Its 9.30 pm on a Saturday night and I'm sitting alone in my basement watching a hockey game that I don't really care for. In my defense, I've been up since 5 am and had to work all day.

So on my drive into work this morning, which was earlier than usual, I got to see the sunrise. Ever since daylight savings time, I haven't been able to watch the orange and the pink of the morning sky, which really is one of my favourite things to watch. Better than a sunset. Better than waves. Better than footprints on a beach. I think the only thing I like watching more than a sunrise is the night sky full of stars.

Anyway, yesterday at work, I got a call that I've been waiting for a while now. Its not official yet. But I am training for this opportunity all next week. Even though my departure from my current section is still uncertain to say the least, the impending change is already freaking me out.

Things change and such is life. I understand.
What I don't understand is that why is it so hard for me to deal with change, despite the fact that I've been expecting it for a while now? Why am I so scared, yes, scared of stepping out of my comfort zone?

Wouldn't it be nice to drift off into a dreamless sleep while you think and wonder?

posted by S @ 9:15 PM 0 comments

So my very good friend from work, T., and I were sitting in an hour long meeting with the rest of our section colleagues and the section manager this morning, trying to stay awake, when he looked over at me, and said, "What's wrong? Why are you pre-occupied today?"

And I looked at him and asked him how he had known that I was preoccupied. And he simply said, "You're not that hard to read."

There's something I don't hear often.

posted by S @ 9:11 PM 0 comments

I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring.
But I pray that whatever it may be, may the Lord give me and us the strength and the good sense to deal with it.

posted by S @ 9:54 PM 0 comments

The truth shall set you free, you say.
Ignorance is bliss, they say.

Do you know what I hate more than knowing the truth?
Not knowing the truth.

posted by S @ 6:17 PM 0 comments

Tomorrow could be it.
There's nowhere to run.

posted by S @ 1:18 PM 0 comments

Don't break my heart. My acidic, rotting heart.

posted by S @ 7:41 PM 0 comments

So I went to Costco yesterday for just some general grocery shopping. I hate superstores. But Costco somehow I can handle. It was really crowded, being a Saturday afternoon, and I was really distracted, being me. So while wandering through one of the aisles, I came upon the flower stall.

And as I admired all the colours and the arrangements, I remembered how much I dislike getting flowers. Mind you, I don't dislike flowers per se. I think all flowers are beautiful. I don't have a favourite though.

I just think its money down the drain and I hate the fact that a beautiful thing was cut down in its prime to make me happy. I don't agree with exchanging cards on occasions either. Again, money down the drain.

Anyway, so to all who are reading, never buy me flowers. But if you must, make sure they are white. Red, pink, orange? No. Yellow? Sometimes. White. Always, always and always.

On a separate note, my very, very good friend, A., took me out to dinner yesterday for my birthday. It was an awesome time. She is one of the very, very few people I trust and I can really talk to. And she makes me laugh. I always say that if she was a guy, I'd marry her.

Anyway, she was telling me how her parents had tried to set her up with this rich, good-looking investment banker in Toronto. She said she had a great time with the guy. He was smart, thoughtful and could hold a decent conversation. But it wasn't going to work out. And when I asked her why that was, she said that he didn't make her laugh.

I knew I got along with her for a reason.

posted by S @ 8:33 AM 0 comments

The Games People Play

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I know its too many thoughts for one post. But I don't think I'll be able to hold on to all these thoughts long enough to put them down separately.



So I went to the Body Pump class on Thursday. Its an hour of weight training. This is the first time I've attempted it.

And seriously, I am having pain in muscles I didn't know I had.

I am going again on Monday. There is also a Body Jam classs at the same time at another location on Monday. I never thought I'd give up Body Jam for another class. I feel like I'm cheating on it.

Infidelity to one's passion is another thing I didn't know I had.







As I've said before, I don't know why I think what I think. I just do.







So yestereday was the biggest Indian festival. Very much comparable to Christmas. Except there's no tree and its only for Indians. Its called Diwali, the Festival of Lights. It celebrates Lord Ram's homecoming after fourteen years of exile in the forest. Always falls on a new moon in late fall. Celebrations begin after it gets dark. People decorate their houses with umpteen candles, exchange gifts, have feasts, always wear new clothes, worship 'Lakshmi', the Goddess of Wealth and Prosperity and finally end the evening with lots and lots and lots of fireworks.

Diwali may be the biggest festival. But 'Holi' is my favourite festival. Its called the Festival of Colours. It celebrates the end of the mythical monster Holika. Always falls in early spring. People celebrate by dressing in white and throwing coloured powder and water balloons all over each other all day. The day ends around 3pm with a big feast. Its a day filled with fun and laughter. And by the end of the day, everyone looks like a child's colouring book gone wrong. Its too bad we don't get to celebrate this festival in Canada. Holi always falls in early April. Its usually too cold to be outside in a lawn. And its definitely very cold to get into a water balloon fight with friends and family.

Is a festival really a festival if you're not with the one(s) you really want to be with? Or is it just another day?







I didn't have a good day yesterday though, despite the festivities. While I was at work, I got emails from all my friends from work who are Indian. I got calls all day from my family in India wishing me a Happy Diwali. And everytime someone called, I could hear the laughter, the clinking of flatware from everyone eating dinner together and the fireworks in the background. It was the togetherness that I could hear in the background.

And it made me sad.
I really could have used a friend.
Alas.







So I was so sad from getting all the calls and texts I had been getting all morning yesterday from my family in India, that I couldn't contain my tears any longer. It was an unfortunate coincidence that my good friend from work, T., walked into my cubicle at precisely the same moment. We went for a walk. He asked me questions. And for the first time, I didn't avoid his questions.

Talking about it didn't ease my pain or anything. But it felt good to realize that him and I are better friends than I thought.

Very few people surprise me. Very few people's insight surprises me.
T. is one of them.







I gauge people with my instincts.
I don't judge. I am in no position to judge.







I try not to tell people what I think of them. I avoid people's questions most of the time. Do you know why? Because most people cannot handle the answers.

I don't tell anyone anything for many reasons. And that is one of them.

posted by S @ 7:27 AM 0 comments

So today I won my work hockey pool for this week. $104 in total.
I guess yesterday's post was a premonition of things to come.

I really thought I spied something else green though.
Maybe it was just in my head.

posted by S @ 9:03 PM 0 comments

I spy with my brown eyes, something green.

posted by S @ 8:07 PM 0 comments

So I went swimming today after a long time. Even though I had no one to keep me company, it was a lot of fun. While at university, I used to go swimming all the time. I remember those Wednesday and Friday afternoons after Intermediate Accounting. I couldn't wait to go for a swim right after. And I couldn't wait for the Monday night wave pool swims after Information Systems. And despite the fact, that I always went by myself, it was always, always a ton of fun.

But I think what I liked best about today was the fact that I was back at school. I didn't realise how much I miss that place. I remember waiting for the train in the -45 degree weather after Tuesday night class for Accounting Theory. Or waiting for Dad to pick me up from Dunton Tower during his lunch hour. I hated it all. The assignments. The exams. The studying late into the night at the Loeb Building. The smell of frozen lunches at the Uni Centre. The line-up to use the machines at the gym. The parking at Brewer Park. And then walking all the way to Southam Hall. Everything.

But no matter how much I complained at the time, I realize now that I actually loved every minute of it. And I miss it terribly.

I will miss not being a student.
I will miss being carefree.

posted by S @ 7:37 PM 0 comments

Its 6.20 pm. I just got back from work. I spent an hour with my new boss trying to figure stuff out. And I'm still lost. I have so not been doing well at work lately. And I really think that its because I don't know what I'm doing. And I think my stupidity is really starting to show now.

I need direction.
Without being judged for it.

posted by S @ 5:17 PM 0 comments

It only hurts when I'm breathing.
My heart only breaks when its beating.

posted by S @ 10:43 AM 0 comments

"You're not alone.", you say.

I'm not alone.
I'm just alone in my head.

posted by S @ 2:34 PM 0 comments

So I have an allergic reaction to something that is making me break out into hives all over my body. It started last night. My Dad, who is a doctor, checked it out and thinks its something I ate. I wonder what it was, given that I only had a bowl of cereal for dinner last night.

Anyway, I guess I'm writing this because I just took some medication for the allergy. Its 12.22 am and I'm waiting to fall asleep. I hope I can wake up early enough tomorrow though. I love waking up early these days. I love the way the bamboo plant on my coffee table looks in the early morning light. It reminds me of the frontyard of my parent's house in India. And I love it when my right foot touches my left while I sit in my favourite chair under my favourite blanket with my cup of tea and the newspaper. You know that feeling. Mmmmm. How should I describe it? The kind of warmth that can only come from skin. Like when you cuddle with someone.

Sometimes, though, I wish there was someone I could enjoy these kind of mornings with.
But alone as I may be, I still love every minute of them.

I can't wait to wake up tomorrow.
Sweet dreams.
S.

posted by S @ 10:13 PM 0 comments

Life as I know it

Is this all there is?

posted by S @ 6:42 PM 0 comments

Cry

Do you see my troubled eyes?
Do you see the truth through all the lies?
Do you see my guilt?
Do you feel my fright?

If I want to talk about it,
on who should I depend?
Can I cry on your shoulder?
Are you a friend?

And if I want to talk about what will be,
Will you sit with me?
And let me cry on your shoulder?
Are you my friend?

And if I don't want to talk about it anymore,
Will you lie here with me on the floor?
And let me rest on your shoulder?
Are you still my friend?

posted by S @ 5:58 PM 0 comments

I think I'm alone in the universe tonight.

posted by S @ 5:49 PM 0 comments