The Life and Times of S

Strange are the ways of life.

And stranger are the ways of people.

posted by S @ 7:23 AM 0 comments

I've read the end of the book.

It all turns out OK.

posted by S @ 1:04 PM 0 comments

So I called my friend, L., this morning at work. I am supposed to be working at home since the last couple of days due to renos at the office.

Anyway, she told me that she had the strangest dream last night. In her dream, she was trying to find her Income Tax Act, which she needs for the biggest exam of her life, in a week a and half. But instead she finds a mirror, in which she notices that she is 36 weeks pregnant and about to pop. And she wakes up screaming that she doesn't want the baby now because she has an exam to write.

What do you think it means?

Contrastingly, I dreamt that I had sex with Brad Pitt. In the spa of the hotel we went to eat in.

What do you think THAT means?

posted by S @ 7:14 AM 0 comments

I thought I'd given you my all.

I was wrong.

Now I've given you my all.

posted by S @ 8:17 PM 0 comments

Truth be told...

I miss you.

posted by S @ 11:56 AM 0 comments

Snippet

"How will I ever know if you don't tell me?"
"Ah. Bummer."

posted by S @ 11:50 AM 0 comments

What's on my mind?

I'll be damned before I give that up.

posted by S @ 6:49 PM 0 comments

A.L.

So my favourite manager at work, A.L., is leaving for bigger and better things next week. She has been the most wonderful, understanding, fun boss. I wish I could have told her that when she was actually my boss. But I'm just not the type to actually say what I feel. Thats just how I am. And thats precisely why I regret stuff down the road. Regretting the chances that I should have taken. Regretting the opportunities that I should have exploited. Even if its for the smallest, most insignificant things in life. Regretting the things I should have said because I felt them, while I still had the chance. And the person.

Anyway, today was her farewell lunch. Her and I have been part of a misunderstanding over the last year or so. So I decided to make nice today, even though, I never held her responsible for anything and she has been my favourite boss all along. I gave her a small gift, which I think she really liked and I think she will really enjoy. In the end, she gave me a big hug and all was well, which is a huge deal to me, because I am not usually the one to say I'm sorry, especially when its not my fault, or one to make nice, be it my fault or not. Call it ego. Call it pride. Call it shyness. Call it not caring. I'm just not the type. I just usually write it off as a bad ending to something good. And even though in my heart of hearts, I might not want to, I move on.

Anyway, in her farewell speech, she said something that I didn't agree with. It was not so much a speech, as she said that she always cries at speeches, as much as a top ten list. It was her list of the top ten things she had learnt from this job, and life in general.

# 2. " People always have my trust until they break it. Fortunately, I have never been betrayed or disappointed. So my policy is to keep on trusting."
# 1. " Always give people a second chance."

Disagree. No one ever has my trust until they earn it.
Disagree completely. No one deserves a second chance. Not if you want to want to get burnt. Again. Because no one changes. For no one else.

posted by S @ 7:39 PM 0 comments

Similes

Like the wind.
Never stays.
For long.

Like a bird.
Carries twigs on its back.
Never building a nest.
Never a real nest.
Just a place to stay.
Just for the little while.

Like a woman, unanchored.
In the beholder's eyes.
For a short while.
And then,
In the beholder's heart.
Forever.

posted by S @ 7:00 PM 0 comments

My feelings exactly...

"I know myself and I won't change my mind. So what is happening is best. Because this is something you truly want. And you should have everything you want."

posted by S @ 7:31 PM 0 comments

I don't know how to feel.

Its been a while.
I talk about it. With a select few, of course.
And others talk about it. Amongst themselves.
I always sound like I'm used to it.
But I'm not.
Like its normal for me.
But its not.

I don't know what to do.
And I don't know how to feel.

"Why?", you ask.
"I wish I knew myself."

"Its natural.", you say.
"Maybe. But not to me."

I don't know how to feel.

posted by S @ 7:07 PM 0 comments

3

So last night, as I lay alone in my bed, I wondered. About flowers. I tried to figure out if I had a favourite flower. Turns out, I don't. I just like flowers that are white. Any flower in white, is my favourite flower.

One thing led to another. Flowers led to dates. Dates led to people who've asked me out on dates. There aren't that many to begin with. But needless to say, I turned them all down. I thought of the first and how great our friendship was, even after I turned him down. And then we drifted apart. Suddenly, almost. And how much I missed our friendship. How much I missed the good times we had. The walks we went for. The laughs we shared.

And then suddenly, I thought about all those friends, who I've drifted apart from. The more recent onces actually. And I came up with a number. 3. And what is common among all those was that they're all men and they all just stopped talking to me, or in general being my friend, almost all of a sudden.

Each of them, would always want to hang out, or go for a walk, or for lunch, or email constantly, and make me laugh. And then after a few months, they just stopped returning my emails or my phone calls. Started to turn down my invitations. For anything and everything.

And the other thing common amongst them all, is that they never gave me a reason. Until I, months later, asked them why. Until it had been too late to rekindle the friendship that had been.

Too late for me to tell each one of them, that I missed them. Missed their friendship. Missed their company. Missed the way they made me laugh. Each in their own ways.

And now, its simply too late. And simply too awkward. Every time I run into one of them.

That had to be the way it ended, I guess.
And thats just too bad.

posted by S @ 12:04 PM 0 comments

So far away.

For far too long.

I love you.
I miss you.
I've missed you.
For far too long.

posted by S @ 8:27 PM 0 comments

Did you say it?

After you read my last post, did you say it?

"I love you."
"I don't ever want to live without you."
"You make me happier than I ever thought I could be."

Did you say it?

Make plans. Think about the future. But every now and then, look around. Drink it in. Because it might be all gone tomorrow.

Take the chance.
Dance the dance.
Take a breath.
Just in case....
....there's just one left.

posted by S @ 8:09 PM 0 comments

Here here. Now now.

When something begins, you never know how its going to end. The one night stand you so badly wanted to forget could become the love of your life, the roommate you hated could become your family, the house you are about to sell could become your home, for the rest of your life. You never know how something will end.

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future. As if figuring it out will somehow cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our biggest fears. And our wildest hopes. But one thing is certain, when it finally reveals itself, the future will be what you never imagined.

But at some point, you've got to realize your life is happening now. Not after school. Not tomorrow morning. Not after work. Its happening now.

Blink. And you miss it.

So here's not to the future, here's to life.

Here's to now.

posted by S @ 7:00 PM 0 comments

Mango

So my Mommy is visiting. This is her first visit after seven years.

She brought me many presents. But my most favourite one, besides her company, is the mangoes that she brought. Close your eyes and think of the one thing you love to eat so much that you can give up food in its entirety just to have one bite of that one thing. THAT is how much I love these mangoes. They are called Safeda (SUH-FAY-THAH) Mangoes and northern India is the only place they're available. For only three weeks of the year. Thats it. Thats all. No ifs, ands, or buts.

I haven't eaten this mango in eight years. Ever since I've been here. And I didn't realize how much I had missed it until I took that first bite. Tears stung my eyes. And a lump carried itself to my throat in that instant, as I thought of how much of my life, my soul I had sacrificed to be here. To be with the one person that means more to me than my own life.

Yet, when I think about all the things and the people that I sacrificed, I can't help but wonder about how long I might last without it all. Without my soul. I'm young and strong. Now. But what about fifteen years from now? Will I still be able to battle my urge to go back, to all that and all those I love and don't want to be without? Or will I surrender and return. Sans the person for who I chose what I did. God only knows. I just wish for the strength to deal with it when the time comes.

For now, I'm just enjoying the five mangoes that my Mommy slid past customs. Just for me. I'm afraid my eyes are filling up with tears once again. I hope Mommy won't notice the tears. It'll break her heart.

posted by S @ 6:54 PM 0 comments

Fairy Tales

As I sit at my desk and stare at the screen, I wonder who came up with the concept of Happily Ever After. Was it the person who came up with the first fairy tale? Most people's understanding of the concept : Finding "the one", getting married and having children and being smiling and merry for the rest of your lives. No frowns. No fights. Ever again. No metaphoric rain. Only sunshine. As long as they both shall live.

But isn't the concept just that? A fairy tale? Doesn't it seem? I mean, when we look around today. All we see is war and pain. Hunger and strife and blood. Fighting in the name of peace. Killing in the name of holiness. Nothing seems to be going or ending happily. Even in the movies. ET leaves. Jennifer dies. Knicks lose.

Makes you wonder really. If its actually going to end Badly Ever After......

But then you look around and a little more carefully, you see not all is bad. You see the good things. The happy things. Like the policeman stopping his car and turning his lights on, to help a mother duck and the six ducklings following her cross the road safely. Or the man giving up his seat on the crowded bus for a pregnant woman. Or the crooked Happy Birthday cake your four year old made for you. Or the making up with "I'm sorry"(s) and "I love you"(s) in bed after a fight. Or the silver lining of a safe family behind the tornado that ripped through your home. And your heart.

Like Richard Bach said, what if the world and life with all its complications and its little disappointments and its little pleasantries was meant to be the way it is? Sometimes good. Other times bad. What if THAT is truly the concept of Happily Ever After? All things bright and beautiful unless comes a setback. All things dull and lifeless unless comes an apology and a smile. And then its back to all things bright and beautiful. Night after day. And then day, once again, after a long night.

Isn't it the sadness or the disappointment that makes us appreciate the happiness and the perfections more? Isn't it the rain that makes sunshine so much more life giving? Isn't black what makes white appear whiter?

Isn't it perfect?
Just the way it is.

posted by S @ 6:53 PM 0 comments

After Eight Years

Something snapped.
Deep inside.
Not anger.
Sadness, maybe.
Disappointment, certainly.
Something recoiled.
Deep inside.
Something hurt.
Deep inside.

Not on the surface.
Deep inside.
Where it hurts most.

Something changed.
Deep inside.
Where it matters the most.

posted by S @ 8:47 PM 0 comments

What do you do?

What do you do when you run out of tears and all that is left a heavy heart full of nothing but sadness?
What do you do when you know there is no one in the world you can talk to about what you're feeling?
What do you do when the one person you thought would always be on your side isn't and will never be?
What do you do?

I guess you blog.

posted by S @ 8:44 PM 0 comments

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

posted by S @ 8:14 PM 0 comments