The Life and Times of S

Its all about timing.

Be it something as insignificant as a joke.
Or something as life-altering as falling in love.

posted by S @ 1:20 PM 0 comments

So I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. In my old bedroom. To the sound of Mommy doing her morning prayer. And Dad watching BBC.

Had tea with both of them. Chit chatted. Then had oranges my Dad peeled for me while sitting in the sunlight streaming through the window. The satellite radio played my favourite music. Old Indian movie songs. I closed my eyes. Smiled. And wished, truly wished, for time to stop.

The day passed. The smile faded. I was quiet. Very quiet. And thats something I'm not. Ever.

Mommy looked at me. And said, "I understand." With her eyes. I gave her a weak smile. Thats all I could manage.

I don't have the heart to tell her that what she thinks she understands is not what it is at all.

posted by S @ 2:41 PM 0 comments

I'm hurting today.

Again.
And I don't know why.

posted by S @ 2:38 PM 0 comments

Its 5.30 am in the morning. I can hear the birds chirping outside. And see the sun rise, slowly but surely, from behind the neighbour's house from my bedroom window. Maybe its the jetlag. Maybe its the many, many thoughts in my head. Again. I've tried but I can't fall asleep. So here is a thought that I thought I would share until I do.

So my very good friend, S., just told me about someone he knew that passed away today. No one I knew.

I gave S. my best wishes to pass on to the deceased's family.

It got me thinking.
Surprise there.

When someone you care about dies, do words or good wishes, anyone's words or good wishes, truly help?

I don't think words ever help with anything but they certainly don't at a time for bereavement. Coz when someone we care about dies, all one needs is someone. One who can comfort us. Not by there words. But just by being there. To hold or to be held.

Heaven forbid, but if someone you care about dies, who would that one person be for you?

posted by S @ 5:59 PM 0 comments

Home

Its not the place.
Its the people.

posted by S @ 7:43 PM 0 comments

Dreamcatch me.

Coz I'll be gone for a while.

posted by S @ 1:51 PM 0 comments

I may be...

...far from where I started.
...far from what I wanted.

But I smile today.
Coz tomorrow, I'm going home.

posted by S @ 5:15 PM 0 comments

Decide.

Coz soon it'll be time to face the truth.
And then, there'll be nowhere to run.

posted by S @ 7:18 PM 0 comments

Oh great, there's that sinking feeling again.
You know with just my thoughts to keep me company, it'll be a fun ride all the way to India.


Shoot me now.

posted by S @ 4:30 PM 0 comments

As I lay in my bed early this morning, I started thinking about my upcoming trip to India. And I started thinking about my life that used to be.

One thing led to another. And then I couldn't help but think how sometimes, actually, almost every time, the weakness of the heart makes one forget the reality of the moment. The reality of one's life.

And makes one do things one sometimes, actually, almost every time, regrets later.

posted by S @ 1:47 PM 0 comments

So I had to go to the eye doctor this morning to get my eyes checked out. I've been getting a lot of headaches since the past few weeks. Plus I have a black spot in my left eye that doesn't bother my eyes or my vision in any way but it bothered me so I thought I'd get it checked out too.

So turns out my vision hsan't changed. Same old prescription.

And the balck spot. Turns out its just extra pigment in th eye. So the spot is like a freckle. Harmless. In the doc's own words, "Its like when God gave you your brown eyes, he changed his mind for just a second and decided to give you black eyes instead. But then the next second, decided that brown was definitely the better choice and changed his mind right back."

Kinda like the time I tried coloured contacts. I tried green, grey, hazel and blue. Blue, although, not popular with people who saw me wearing them, was my favourite. But I realized quickly enough that blue wasn't my colour.

I never tried black though.
Hmmm. I wonder what I would look like with black eyes.

The doctor was really surprised that I actually was able to see the black spot. He said most people, even when looking at their eyes in a mirror an inch away, wouldn't have seen a spot like that. Especially with eyes as brown as mine.

I told him I just pay more attention to eyes.
And not just my own.

posted by S @ 1:37 PM 0 comments

So I had a strange day at work today. Strange. And stressful.

I am leaving for India in six days and I have so much work to catch up on, I'm almost starting to feel guilty about taking time off. I was stressed for most of the day. Although, my spirits kinda lifted during overtime hours, when I worked away alone in the office. Just me, my computer and my music.

Anyway, on my drive in after a first thing in the morning meeting with a taxpayer, the CD player in my car refused to play my favourite CD. So I switched to the radio. I flicked through channels trying to find a song I would enjoy listening to while I drove. Nothing. I flicked some more. And then some more. About twenty channels for twenty minutes. Nothing caught my fancy. I resolved myself to driving in silence on a day so beautiful, that had I not been on the highway, I would have seen the horizon at the far end of the sky.

And just then, I heard a familiar song. Bringing with it a familiar sound. And a memory. A happy one. Almost forgotten. Hazy like a dream. But happy still.

I smiled. And I realized, life has a funny way of catching up to you.

You'll find something or someone that you've been searching for in the most unexpected way. But only when you stop looking.

posted by S @ 7:04 PM 0 comments

Why the games?

You know.
And I know.

Pride somehow always stands in the way of acknowledgement.
Pride somehow always stands in the way of the truth.

posted by S @ 8:50 PM 0 comments

Waiting is always the hardest part.

posted by S @ 8:48 PM 0 comments

2.36 pm.

Restless.
I wiggle my toes.
Again and again.
Hoping it will help.

Focus, focus.
Can't.

Whats bothering me though?

Mental list.
I go through it.
One by one.
Not it. Not it. Not it.

Then what is it?

I give up.

2.41 pm.
I'm still restless.
And I'm still wondering.

posted by S @ 5:30 PM 0 comments

One thing has been true all along.

You don't really know what you've got till its gone.

posted by S @ 5:29 PM 0 comments

I may be successful. Well, somewhat successful.
I may be career-minded.
I may be talented. Again, somewhat talented.
I may be 28 years old.
I may be independent.
I may be together.
I may be a home-maker.
I may be intelligent.
I may be an accountant.

I may be all those things. And more.
But inside, I'm still a girl.
Asking a boy to love her.

posted by S @ 5:27 PM 0 comments

So I make fun of my colleague A.M. all the time. Just so the whole team can get a few laughs out of it. Its all in good fun though. It's always back and forth between me and A.M.

Never a serious moment.

But this morning, A.M. came into my office and pulled up a chair. He said he wanted to talk to me about something in all seriousness. My heart sank. I thought someone had filed a harassment complaint or grievance or something against me. Anyway, turns out it wasn't that. He drew his chair beside mine. The following conversation ensued. In hushed whispers, of course.

A.M.: "You know that guy on our team who sits in that corner by the wall?"
S.: "Yeah. You know, he has a name: B. Why?"
A.M.: "Do you know how quiet he is? I mean, he's been here seven months and he still doesn't talk to anyone. Anyone."
S.: "Yeah. So?"
A.M.: "Do you also know that he doesn't talk to anyone but you?"
S.: "Yeah, I know."

No real moral behind the story. Just thought it was worth a mention.


On a completely separate note, on my drive to and from work everyday. I listen to the Team 1200 radio station. I've listened to it day after day. Everyday. So on my drive back today, I was listening to it. Again. Like always. And when I say, I was listening, I mean, as in it was playing in the background while I thought about things/people more important to me or things/people that can hold my interest for longer than a minute.

So I was listening to Team 1200 and this show called 'More On Sports' came on. Which has nothing to do with anything. Except that I started convulsing. Immediately. From the all the laughing of course. I mean its a simple enough joke to get. And its not even funny. Its kinda stupid actually. But what I found funny is that I hear the phrase everyday and I just got the joke today.

And I know you don't get it.
But I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And laughed.
All the way back home.

posted by S @ 4:35 PM 0 comments

Leaving on a Jet Plane II

Just lyrics to a song that I really, really like.
Fits with my whole India trip coming up next week.

"All my bags are packed.
I'm ready to go.
I'm standing here.
Outside your door.
I hate to wake you up to say good bye.

But the dawn is breaking.
It's early morn.
The taxi is waiting.
He's blowing his horn.
Already I'm so lonesome I could die.

So kiss me and smile for me.
Tell me that you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
Coz I'm leaving on a jet plane.
Don't know when I'll be back again.
Oh, I hate to go...."

~Aerosmith

posted by S @ 4:30 PM 0 comments

Happy Easter

So I'm leaving for India next Thursday. For three weeks. People ask me if I'm excited. And I don't know what to say. Every trip back Home is accompanied by mixed feelings. And here's why:

First, the journey, even though every last minute of the 48 hours is worth it, is incredibly long. Especially when one is alone.

Second, I am so happy everytime I see my family. I cherish the days I spend with him. Becauase they are so few and far between. But even the time I do spend with them is tainted with the fact that I'm going to be right back where I started in a few weeks time. Missing my family the same way I miss them every single minute of every single day I spend without them.

Third, everytime I go there, I fall back into my pre-Canada routine so fast, its like I never left. But everytime I come back here, it takes me weeks and weeks and weeks to get used to life back here.

And lastly, everytime I go there, I don't miss here.

So when people ask if I'm excited, I don't know what to say.

posted by S @ 5:19 PM 1 comments

Another Very Short Song

Love is sweet like summer showers.
Love is a wondrous work of art.
But your love, your love, your love....
Is like a giant pigeon,
Crapping on my heart.

~ Anonymous

posted by S @ 8:10 AM 0 comments

Deception Point

So I brought a work-related question to my current boss, C.P., this afternoon. Since any conversation between C.P. and I continues for at least a half hour, I brought myself sustenance. Black berries, blueberries, granola and vanilla yoghurt.

Incidentally, another colleague, J., from another section, but from the same floor, was in C.P.'s office at the time of my arrival. C.P. summoned me into his office. J. asked me what it was that I was eating, to which, C.P. instantly replied, "She doesn't cook." J. laughed and said to C.P., "She definitely doesn't look the cooking-type. But she must know what she is eating at least."

I went along with their joke and laughed. But when I thought about it later, it made me realize how quick people are to judge.

And just based on appearances.

And I reminded myself, once again, to never do what J. did.
And give everyone at least one chance.

posted by S @ 7:50 PM 0 comments

Realization 2

So I worked overtime tonight for a couple of hours. And while I listened to my music in the darkness (the lights go out in my office at 6 pm) and worked away, I suddenly realized a couple of things about myself.

Out of nowhere. Like a bolt of lightning.
Here goes:

I can't sleep unless either my hands or my eyes are covered. My hands have to be covered by a blanket. If not, then my eyes have to be covered by either my hands or my blanket.

And I have a hard time with personal stuff. I realized I will never ask unless I'm told. And I will never tell unless I'm asked.


I probably have done this all my life. It just hit me today.

posted by S @ 7:55 PM 0 comments

A.

So all day Saturday, I packed. Then all Saturday night, I had a phenomenal headache.

Incidentally, it was the second going away party for my former very good friend, S., on Saturday night. It was at my very good friend R.'s house. And even though S. is my former good friend and even though, I had a phenomenal headache, I went to R's.

Turns out, S. was a no show.
Typical.

Anyway, while at R.'s, my other very good friend, A., asked me if all was well. I asked him why he asked. He said, "You look tired. And you're not being yourself." I asked him, "How am I not being myself?".

"You're not laughing as much as you usually do."
I don't know how he does it.


While I lay on the couch at R.'s, A. gave me a head massage. He placed him palm on my forehead. It felt warm. Wonderfully warm. And then I fell asleep. Despite my headache.

On my drive home from R.'s, I thought about A. And the nice guy that he is. Everytime I see him, he says to me, "Find me someone like exactly like you. But Muslim."

He is going Pakistan tomorrow, his first time in twenty years, to meet with his extended family. I hope he finds a wonderful, young woman who he makes him as happy as I know he will make her.

posted by S @ 6:39 PM 0 comments