Do you know that feeling?
That feeling you get when something you've been dreading for a long time just gets confirmed?
Even though you had been anticipating it for a long time.
Even though, denying it all along as you may have been, you always knew you couldn't do anything about it or stop it from happening.
Even though, in your heart of hearts, you always knew it will never be the way you want it to be. And you thought you had made your peace with that....
...your heart still sinks. And it still hurts.
The Tempest Within
So while I was driving back from work today, I heard a song on the radio. And it made me think of Hawaii.
I remembered listening to it. Everyday. On Kapaa beach in Kauai. On Waikiki beach in Oahu. On the radio in the rental car. During dinner at Dondero's. And on the drive to the volcano.
I thought that the official song of this trip was Far Away by Nickelback.
But No one by Alicia Keys just stole the title.
The following are two of my favourite pictures from the trip.
Can you guess why?
As I sit in my study, and look around at the things and the memories still to be packed, I gaze out the window, into the grey sky. And I can almost feel the cold wind obliterating my every impulse to find happiness where I usually do, leaving behind a listlessness and willful melancholy.
The ennui seems to have settled into my very bones.
I continue packing.
In a life trapped by time, these are the days. These are the moments.
The last few. That are free.
Of obligation.
And of guilt.
So I went to the Shoppers Drugmart around the block from my office building with my good friend, T., today at lunch time.
While he got his prescription, I wandered around the isles just looking through stuff. I bumped into a guy in the greeting cards aisle. He dropped his bottle of water. I picked it up and gave it back to him while apologizing profusely.
He was tall. Dark-haired. No older than thirty. Brown eyes. I looked at him and smiled. He looked into my eyes when he smiled back.
There was something about his eyes. Warm. Wonderfully warm. Feverish, almost.
I was taken by them for those few seconds. Doesn't happen to me very often.
Then, I moved on.
Sometimes I just want to lay my head on your shoulder.
And cry. And cry. And cry.
So someone at work made fun of me for having the number of shoes that I do at my desk. Thirteen, to be exact. I didn't think much of it.
Anyway, while I warmed my late lunch in the 10th floor microwave on Friday afternoon, I looked outside the window. At all the snow in the midst of the concrete jungle that somewhat defines my life now. And I thought to myself if this is what I really wanted. And if this is what I really want.
I couldn't come up with an answer.
I'll have plenty of time to think about it on my long and lonely
flight home though. Wish me luck.
C.W.
This post should have come a few weeks ago, that is, on the actual day that I wrote it on the napkin. Anyway, here it is now. Enjoy.
So I had to attend a long, boring training session ths afternoon at work, and this was right after an event called the February Feast. So, as you can imagine, there was tons of good food and somewhat good company.
So to prevent myself from falling asleep in my chair right under the instructor's nose, I started thinking. About nothing in particular. Random thoughts. Banal, practical things. One thing led to another. And before I knew it I was thinking about my good friend, well, former good friend, C.W.
C.W. and I took a few courses together at university. We then worked together in the same division at work for a couple of years. He has since moved to another another division located in another office in the city. The last few months working with him were kind of awkward. We used to be really good friends. Went to school together in the evenings. Catching up on assignments at our favourite cafe almost every night. Taking coffee break at work together. Email banter all day. Lunch time walks in the summer together. Everyday.
And then one fine day, sometime last summer, it all just stopped. Cold turkey. No more emails or phone calls. No more coffee. Or walks.
Anyway, we email once every few months now. Just to see how the other is doing. I miss our friendship sometimes. But not enough to bother me.
What does bother me is that I never figured out what went wrong. And now its too late.
Alas.
So a couple of days ago, I had a misunderstanding with someone I met recently for the first time. Thankfully, before the end of the day, the air was cleared and all was well again.
I got to thinking. About misunderstandings. Are they really misunderstood or misstated statements? Or just games some people like to play, thinking or hoping that other people will play along and not speak how they feel?
I couldn't decide.
Speaking of games, last night was the going away party for my former very, very good friend, S. She is moving to Vancouver.
I'm kind of sad that she is leaving. She is a lot of fun to hang out with. And in some ways, her and I have a lot in common, which is rare for me. If you asked me a year ago, I would have told you that her and I were incredibly close. Not enough to be best friends. But thats not her fault. Its my own issue. I always kept my guard up with her. Something about her. Not all was on the surface. And I still stand by that judgment.
Anyway, we're not close anymore. In fact, she never emails or texts or calls me anymore. I don't know why. I have a feeling that sometime in the past year she realized that I saw through her the first time we met. And that I am not the type to play along with the games she likes to play. Not malicious games. But games still, which I have nothing but disdain for.
Her and I have grown apart in the past year. And its just too bad. I still like her and will always be there for her. But not in the way I could have been or can be for a friend I truly care about or love. So I'm sad to see her go. But not enough to miss her when she's gone.
Regardless, S., if you're reading, I know somewhere deep down, you're a good person. I wish that this endeavour of your life brings you all that you're hoping for. And more.
So good luck.
And goodbye.
Sunday morning at the bookstore.
My iPod.
And my favourite song.
Morning latte.
Extra hot.
Just the way I like it.
Sunday newspaper.
Editorial.
About Pakistan.
And its upcoming elections.
I look up. And around.
Searching.
For a face.
That once used to be familiar.
Maybe.
Just by chance.
Someday.
Somewhere.
Somehow.
If only for a moment.
I sigh.
And continue to read.
Have you ever had....
that thing....
....that moment when you kiss someone for the first time, and everything around you becomes hazy and all there is in that moment is you and that other person?
That moment when you realize that this is the person you're meant to kiss for the rest of your life?
And in that moment, you realize how lucky you are to have found that person. But in the same moment you realize you're scared that the wonderfulness you're in at that very moment may someday go away?
I have.
Anyway, I think I was born to be a writer.
Thought(s)
When life throws something at us that we weren't expecting or prepared for, we all get confused.
Some, a little.
Some, a lot.
Then we move on.
Some, quickly.
Some, later.
But why are we in such a hurry to move on from confusion to Confucius?
Why do we look for lessons to lessen the pain?
Deep thoughts for a Saturday night, I know.
American Buddha
In order to have spiritual experiences, you must be willing to surrender and give up everything. It's only with the sense of complete abandon that you can have the highest experiences. Which is why of course, most people don't have the highest experiences. You can judge your experience, its level of intensity, you can predict it by how much you're willing to let go. If you need to cling to your family, your friends, your beliefs, then your experiences will appear to be rather ordinary. The more you can let go, the more you will be.
It's not intended that everyone in this lifetime who practices self-discovery should reach liberation. That's not proper. It's intended that only a few should. And you may be one of those few. And you should always believe, not that you are one of those few, but that you might be. Because you might be. Suddenly your name turns up on the paper as having won the lottery. No one is there to collect the check, though.
- Lakshmi Series, Spiritual Experiences, Dreams and Visions
No room for pride.
You get one chance. Take it.
You get one breath. Use it.
Don't be proud. Don't be scared.
Or the moment will pass you by.
Forever.
I'll be home soon.
I'm dreaming tonight of a place I love even more than I usually do.
I'll be home soon.
If only in my dreams.
Playing favourites....
Separation is also a kind of love, isn't it?
You were the lesson I had to learn.
Well learnt, I must say.
It's starting already.
And it's starting to hurt already.
Friday Afternoon II
So I ate lunch with my good friend from work L. on Friday. We were talking about another co-worker, who just came back from maternity leave a couple of months ago, being four months pregnant again. I was kinda shocked that someone who just had a baby is having another one so soon.
L. looked at me and said, "You don't want to have kids, do you?"
And I incredulously said, "Of course I want to have kids."
She said, "But you don't know if you want to have kids now."
"What makes you think that?", I said.
"I can see it your eyes."
She saw right through me.
Just like that.
I've decided to start wearing glasses again.
Friday Afternoon I
So I went to a proposal meeting on Friday. My first one with my current boss, C.P. Needless to say, I was very nervous considering the man knows everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything and that can be very intimidating, especially to someone like me.
Anyway, so the meeting, I think, went allright. Not the best. But not the worst. On the way back to work, as we turned into the parking lot of our office building, C.P. noticed that someone had stolen his parking spot. He was driving by the way. The following conversation ensued:
S: "I'm sorry someone took your spot."
CP: "No, you're not."
S: "Of course I am. Someone stole your spot coz I made YOU drive YOUR car for one of MY meetings. So I'M sorry. I mean that."
CP: "No, you don't. Just like most of the things you say."
S: "Whatever."
His last comment really hurt.
And I don't know why.
So I worked a twelve-hour day today. Then drove my very good friend form work, T., home. I was looking forward to coming home to a nice hot shower and my very own comfy bed while I drove. But when I turned into my driveway, well, almost turned into my driveway, I noticed the 4-foot high pile of snow at the end of it.
I sighed.
And then I shovelled.
All of it. Every last bit of it.
All by myself.
I know its an everyday thing for most of you. But its not for me.
I'm strangely proud of myself now.
I guess shovelling comes with life in Canada.
I really don't know what I was thinking.
"Close your eyes.
And sleep." , you say.
Ain't that easy.
But if you promise to come to my dreams, I will.
My favourite corner.
My tea.
And snow.
Quiet.
Dead quiet.
I hear a rustle.
Is that you?
No.
How could it be?
I go back.
To quiet wonderment.
No.
To quiet reflection.
Only one of you seven.....
...got
it right.
Pity.
AF 0147
Oh, in case you were confused by the title, I confirmed my flight to India this morning.
I know its not an occasion like a birthday or Mother's Day but I just have to say this and I just don't know how else to say it.
I love you, Mom. Beyond words can ever say.
And I miss you even more.
Lost
Treading along that road well travelled, once more, I can't remember what I left behind the last time I was here.
But it sure was important.
Coz I miss it. Terribly.
Celebration?
So my very good friend from work, B., asked me how I celebrated my very recent CGA success.
I told her that I celebrated by working until 8 pm. And then spending the evening at home. Alone. Calling my family in India to give them the news before I went to bed. And then falling asleep wishing my Mom was around to give me a hug.
Yeah, some celebration that was.
Anyway, I started thinking about celebrations. And I wondered how I would have celebrated. Had I got the chance to.
Vacation? Nah. Just got back from one.
Shopping? Nah. Shopped out from Christmas still.
Getting drunk? I'm a teetotaller.
I wondered if it is possible to celebrate anything without any or all of the above.
And then I realized that for me, the only way to celebrate, is dancing.
All day. All night.
Alas.
What makes every day a good day?
Waking up to sunshine.
In a place you can call home.
Being with the one(s) you care about.
Loving what you do for a living.
Good friends. Good food.
Following your passion.
And laughing.
Did I miss anything?
Compliment?
So, yesterday I walked into someone's office at work and the following conversation ensued verbatim:
"While I was upstairs, I grabbed the file. And this. So here is a little something for ya!", I said as I placed the stuff on his table. And he said, "And here's a little something for you, Cutie. Never ever change."
I smiled. And left.
I don't know if he was serious or joking. I don't know him well enough to know what he meant. But I took it as a compliment.
That makes three people in the world who've said something like that to me.
