So I went dancing last night. It was a lot of fun. If you don't know it about me already, I'll just say that dancing is my passion.
Anyway, while I danced the night away, I thought about a particular conversation I had had with my Mommy while on the way to the club. I looked around and I wondered how long it would be before I have to give up the life that I have now.
I looked around once more. And in that moment, I realized that I was alone.
In a room full of smiling, dancing faces, I was all alone.
Why is it that we only want what we can't have?
When it comes to life and love, why do we only believe our worst reviews?
So while at a traffic light on my way back from work today, I felt like someone was watching me. You know that feeling you get. Hard to describe.
Anyway, so after a few seconds I realized that the guy driving the car just ahead was looking directly at me through his rear view mirror. I thought he'd look away after a few seconds. But he continued to look. I don't think 'stare' is the word I could use here. He was just looking. Gazing, maybe.
So I looked right back at him. And even though I could only see his eyes, and nice eyes they were too, in his own rear view mirror, I knew he was smiling.
Also, on a separate note, my good friend from work, T., randomly asked me during lunch today if I was happy. I didn't answer his question. I asked him why he asked me that. He didn't answer my question either.
Some people forgive and forget. Some people forgive but never forget. But if you can never forget, then can you ever really forgive?
People sometimes overstate the benefits of dialogue.
Though I believe it sometimes has almost magical properties, it is not a panacea for all the problems that may ail one.
One should have a care about who one is having the dialogue with though.
Dance is life. Save the last dance for me.
One shouldn't worry about appearances much.
If you look people in the eyes, they won't remember what you were wearing.
I love to be kissed on my right temple.
I've said this before, I know.
The hardest thing is not to love someone but to let them love you back.
Also, I don't like it when girls highlight or colour their hair.
Very random, I know.
Another summer day has come and gone away.
I want to go home.
Q's
Do you believe that places have memories?
Does every place you've been to always remind you of a particular person?
Do you think a person's fragrance is their signature?
And every time you smell it, even if it is on someone else and in another part of the world and eras later, it reminds you of that person?
What about colours? Do you associate a particular colour with a particular person? Every time, you read a little piece of me on this blog, does a colour come to mind?
Not a question. Just a general wondering.
So I didn't make it to work today because I still can't move my jaw from the toothache.
I woke up early this morning. By early I mean, 7 am. And everytime I'm up early and alone at home, I listen to the BBC Network on TV. I don't sit down and watch the news. But I just like listening to it in the background while I go about my chores. People play music, I play the BBC. It reminds me of home. Every morning my Dad comes back from his badminton game at 7.30 in the morning and the first thing he does is switch on the TV to the BBC. Then he reads the newspaper while he sips his tea. Just like I do here.
I can't believe its been six years and I still miss home as much as I do.
On a separate note, I was hanging out with my good friends M., A. and N., a few days ago and A., who is about ten or twenty pounds too heavy for his height, kinda like me, somehow came up with the conversation that girls prefer a guy who is slightly skinnier than a guy who is slightly chubbier. I told him he was wrong. He didn't believe me and said, "Oh yeah, then how come all girls think that actor is so hot...ummm...that guy.....". And then I said, "I don't think Jude Law is hot at all. He is too girly and too skinny." He looked at me and I looked at him and I knew he was wondering how I had known who he was talking about. I told him I just knew.
I have some sort of strange connection with A. I don't know what it is but somehow I just get along with him much better than any of the rest of the Boyz. He can be stupid so he can make me laugh but he can hold a decent conversation as well. And if I'm upset, he is usually the one to notice it and ask me what's wrong. Its so strange.
If I was single, I know he'd ask me out.
Anyway, I don't think Brad Pitt is hot either. He has a nice body but his smile is not the best and there is nothing nice about his eyes. Now, George Clooney. Mmmmm. I know I've said this before. But I could just spread him on a cracker.
Waiting for the Tooth Fairy
So the toothache that I've been complaining about since yesterday only got worse overnight. So I went to the dentist a little while ago and he said that the wisdom teeth in my upper jaw were removed in December 2001 and now the ones in my lower jaw are the ones that are causing the trouble. He said that they will have to be removed in order for the infection and the inflammation and consequently the pain to go away. And soon.
The surgery is now scheduled for 8 am on Monday, the fifteenth of October.
If only there was a similar treatment for everytime you had a heartache.
So I heard more about the job situation from yesterday and turns out that I got screwed over because of politics between two managers. Really, I don't even know what to say.
On a separate note, my wisdom teeth are giving me a lot of grief today. In fact, I am in so much pain right now, I can't even whine, not because I'm alone, but because I can't move my jaw. I tried to blow a kiss to my nephew this evening but I could barely even smile.
Anyway, it started to get worse during my
Body Jam class, which needless to say is the thing I enjoy the most in the world, but there was no way I would leave the class early just because of a toothache. After the class, I didn't want to go home to eat dinner, if I could manage to eat dinner, alone, so I went for a walk instead at the South Keyes Shopping Centre. While I shopped, my favourite song in the whole world, With or Without You, played over the PA system. Its my favourite, favourite song. In fact, that is the song I am referring to
here and
here.
I wasn't in a good mood to begin with, despite my Body Jam class, and I don't know if it was the toothache, or the disappointment from the job, or the fact that I was alone, but somehow the song, instead of making it better, made it all worse.
Not fun.
Early to Bed, Early to Rise.
So I went to bed really early last night. I was still kinda upset from what happened during the day so I knew I won't be able to sleep well.
Surprisingly though, I slept through the entire night without any tossing and turning and without any of my crazy dreams that usually haunt me every night. I don't know how I managed to pull that off but I did.
So I woke up at 5 am this morning and went for a walk.
Me and my music to keep me company. The air was chilly.
Just slightly chilly. Just the way I like it.
Such is life.
So today didn't start out as a good day. I didn't sleep all night. I had a huge, meaningless argument first thing this morning and as a consequence, I was not in the best of moods for most of the morning.
It picked up a little though around noon after someone told me something that really put my hopes up about this job I had applied for last week. I had a hard time making the decision in the first place. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go
here.I had actually started looking forward to it, especially since everyone I spoke to about it told me that my chances of getting it were really good. It was a leap of faith really. But those haven't turned out in my favour a lot of the times. But I thought this time might be different. But as it turns out, it wasn't.
Anyway, so this afternoon, the same person told me that it wasn't going to work out. He told me why as well. I can understand where he is coming from but that really doesn't help. I spoke to my good friend, S., about it. I'm not sure if he really understood how much it stung, he said he did though, it didn't really help either.
As I sit alone in my study once again, I think about why it stings the way it does. Why am I so upset about something I never had to begin with? I tell myself it wasn't meant to be. But thats just a fancy way of saying, it sucks. And there is really nothing you or anyone can do about it.
Apparently, I've been so good at what I do that no one wants to let me go. I find it very hard to believe though. And what is even harder to believe that sometimes even good performance can stand in the way of your career sometimes. I won't say that good performance stood in the way of my happiness since even I don't know what makes me happy.
Every morning, before I leave the house, I pray that whatever happens, may it be for the best. For all. I know this is probably for the best too. And I know some day in the future, I'll look back on it and realize that it truly was for the best.
But for now, it stings like hell. And I really don't know what to do about it.
Come to think of it, its really my fault. Its happened to me before. Not relating to a job though. But still. You'd think I'd know how to handle it by now.
I'm used to being disappointed in life.
I should have known better.
So I saw the movie The Bourne Ultimatum with Dad this evening. It was an awesome movie. Matt Damon is officially on my To Do List as of today.
On the drive back home alone from the movies, I happened to be alone. I happened to be listening to one of my favourite songs. And I happened to drive really, really fast.
That usually never happens to me. I wonder what that was about.
Realization 1
At any moment you're free to make decisions which increase your own happiness or increase the happiness of others.
I've found that increasing the happiness of others makes me happy.
Insights
Why aren't you having more fun with
The moments of your life?
Since they won't come again
It seems like a waste of time not to enjoy them!
Look around you.
Everyone and everything dies here.
There are no survivors on the prison ship earth!
Since the moment of your death is uncertain,
And usually comes when you are
Least prepared for it,
Why don't you stop wasting your time and
Start having more fun with the moments of your life
Right now?
Karma
"Karma is the level of your awareness - what you are drawn towards in life," he explained.
"Your awareness, which is your karma, is what hooks you to things," Master Fwap explained.
"That is not the same as desire. Desire is a short-term pull toward an object, experience or some other aspect of life. Desire fades with time, sometimes even in minutes or within seconds of its fulfillment. Very few desires last for more than a few years, let alone for an entire incarnation.
"So when you are inexplicably pulled toward something, or someone, and that pull won't go away, that is how you can know that it is your karma, not simply another transient desire. And if it is an especially strong pull that won't go away, then it is probably from your past lives. And if you don't follow your karma, if you try to avoid it and run away from whatever your karma happens to be, you will never be happy or at peace with yourself, no matter what you do or achieve in this or in any other world."
~ Master Fwap, Surfing the Himalayas
How I wonder where you are?
So I was driving back from a BBQ at my good friend from work B.'s house last night when I saw the clear, crescent moon so low and so big in the night sky, I felt like I could reach out and touch it. So I parked the car behind the airport, this open area where you can almost see the horizon on a crystal, clear morning, which happens to be on my way home, and which happens to be pitch dark at night, except for the occasional plane landing.
I looked up at the sky and millions of stars twinkled at me. Did I ever tell you how much I love looking at the stars? Did I also tell you that I wanted to be an astronaut? I still do.
Anyway, I stood there for about a half hour. Gazing. Thinking. There wasn't a soul in sight. It was awesome.
I didn't see a shooting star this time though. No matter.
So I fell asleep around 3.30 am last night. Woke up around 8 am this morning. I didn't actually step out of bed until 10.00 am though.
As I lay there and gazed outside the window at the early morning sky and all its colours, I remembered one morning similar to this one. It was at least 9 years ago at a beautiful mountain-top resort in Simla, India. I remember sharing a room with my brother on that vacation. It was a fun vacation regardless.
Anyway, I remember lying in bed and admiring the colours of the early morning sky that day as well.
Not that there's any connection, somehow it just came to mind today.
Decisions, Decisions
So I finally made the decision or was forced to make the decision rather, to not move to a new section of work that I had originally signed up for. I was so stressed from having to think things through and coming up with an answer, that I couldn't even get myself to pay attention on the phone while I spoke to my Mommy in India. Now that's stressed out! I couldn't even bring myself to eat anything all day. And then of course, I got scolded at the end of the day for not eating anything all day. But then again, that's nothing new.
Anyway, I hate making decisions. Yeah I know I can't say that enough. This one wasn't a particularly easy one to make either since I really have no Plan B, as of this moment, to fall back on. But I've taken a few leaps of faith in my life before and some of them, if not all, have worked out in my favour. Hopefully this one will work out for the best too. You never know, though.
This happened yesterday afternoon at work. So I know this post should have come right after work yesterday itself. But I need alone time when I write my posts to this blog. Come to think of it, I've had a ton of that since yesterday. But somehow I was still so stressed out from making the above decision that I couldn't get my brain to put a coherent sentence together to post here. My apologies for the delay.
A good friend tells me that I have a hard time making decisions because I lack confidence. I agree. I don't like to admit it but something inside always holds me back. As I sit alone in my study, yet again, I wonder if that will ever change. I can't say I've tried hard enough. I wonder if that will ever change too.
Well, enough about decisions. I am bored and I think I will go watch a movie now, which I picked up from Blockbuster this afternoon. Took me a half hour to decide which one I wanted to see though. I think even I got annoyed with myself for that. But at least there's no decision to make now!
Sweet dreams.
S.
Served me right to get my heart broken.
There's no one but myself to blame.
I apologize for My New Love
I apologize for the disastrous compilation of my last post. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go
here.
I've tried but there is something wrong with the site.
So I got my new king-size mattress today and the thing is so huge, there is actually no room for me to walk around in my room anymore.
Anyway, I have so many thoughts to put down today that I'm struggling to keep them all in my head. Here goes:
I listened to the same song on my iPod over and over again all day while I was at work yesterday. I listened to it on the way to work, on the way back from work and on the way back from the gym. I wonder what that was about.
My good friend from work, J., remembered to call me again today to update me on the job I had applied for in her section, despite all that she's been preoccupied with. May God bless her. People like her are hard to find these days.
Did I tell you how much I love to dance? I go to the gym every Wednesday just to attend this one class called Body Jam, which is one hour of pure dancing. I don't have words to express how much I love it. Yesterday I forgot to wear my knee brace during class and it is such a high impact class that my knee ached all night. Especially my favourite part of the class, which is the salsa routine, made my knee hurt so much, I thought I would buckle from the pain. Even the weight of the duvet was too much to handle at night. Call me a freak but I can't wait to go back to class next week!
Something is wrong with my phone. Last night, there was this tiny fuchsia coloured dot that appeared on the outside screen. But this morning, it had become this full-fledged fuchsia pattern. Something tells me its only going to get worse. A techie at work told me that the pixels in the outside screen had gotten crushed either by pressure or ruptured when the phone fell on the floor. I am not happy. I love my phone and thats putting it mildly and it won't be a good day when I have to part with it to get a new one.
Last but not least, I don't know if I've mentioned this before but I am supposed to be switching sections at work sometime in October. It was hard enough for me to decide to switch sections in the first place. Now there's another opportunity around the corner in a whole other section and its decision time all over again. I hate making decisions. I just want to be told what to do. I have a feeling I won't be sleeping tonight. But then again, I'm getting used to that.
Sweet dreams.
S.
My New Love
I have recently discovered my love for photography. I actually think I'm good at it. Especially at editing. Allow me to demonstrate with some pictures that I took that I think are nice. And some pictures that others took but I edited to make them look nice!
I love taking and editing pictures so much these days that I'm afraid it may become a passion soon. But it will never replace my passsion for dancing.
Let me know what you think!
Enjoy!
S.
