So I called my Mom this morning and told her that I passed. She was very, very happy. She passed on the news to my Dad who couldn't speak to me over the phone as he has a bad cold and acute laryngitis. "No biggie," I told her. "I'll call him in a couple of days."
A few minutes later, I got a text message.
It read: " Congrats to my dear, sweet Suchi. The apple of my eye. And the most important piece of my heart."
I smiled. Then I cried.
Privately of course.
Burn. Slowly.
O Self
Burn slowly.
On the flame of life.
Simmer.
Simmer some more.
Hopes.
Melt quicker than you think.
Dreams of glass.
Shatter easier than you think.
The shards.
May blind you.
So burn.
But slowly.
Coz you have a while to last.
How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I become so numb.
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there in me.
And wake me up inside.
Call my name.
And save me from the dark.
Before I come undone.
Save me from the nothing I've become.
~Evanescence
So someone I have worked with for the past little while but haven't really developed a friendship with told me, in front of many of my other colleagues, that he thinks I'm superficial. Very superficial. And he would never be able to live with someone like me.
Normally, I wouldn't care for something like that. I've been told that I'm pretentious and superficial on many different occasions. By many other people.
But somehow, this time, it pinched.
Landmarks 3
I passed.
My very last and final exam for the CGA.
There were smiles. And hugs. Lots of them. But certainly not enough for the moment. And the landmark.
As I sit at my desk, half smiling, I think.
I want to celebrate.
I don't want champagne.
I don't want flowers.
I don't want butter chicken.
I just want to dance.
I wish I had someone to dance with.
O Time, you missed my exit.
As promised....
Here's a few of my favourite pictures of the 1103 that I took in Hawaii this time.
Enjoy!
S.
PS: I know these are all my favourites. But there is one that is particularly special to me. Can you guess which one it is?
Happy or content?
The eternal questions....
Am I happy because I'm content?
Or am I content because I'm happy?
And is there a difference between the two?
There's no turning back now.
She's Always a Woman to Me.
I dreamt about my ex last night.
We were at a wedding. Him with his family. And me with mine. He came upto me after dinner while everyone else was dancing and took the empty chair beside mine. He touched my hand. I looked into his almond brown eyes and he looked into mine. He asked if I was OK. I nodded. He asked me why I wasn't dancing. I looked away.
He left.
I woke up.
As I lay in my bed this morning, lazying and trying to procrastinate going to work on a Saturday, I remembered the song he used to say must have been written with me in mind.
Now, as I sit at my desk and listen to that very song over and over, I remember his eyes. And his smile.
It must have been for the best.
Why is my heartbeat so guarded?
Chemistry
Either you've got it. Or you don't.
Another Rhymeless Poem
All-day training.
Again.
Restless.
Again.
Overwhelmed.
Still.
Its post-lunch.
I'm tired.
The instructor points to a slide.
I try to concentrate.
My mind races.
Back to this morning.
Filled out a form.
And signed.
Thought to myself.
I'm one of those now.
And always will be.
The instructor tells a joke.
Racist.
But funny.
My reverie is broken.
Again.
I think.
Again.
About tomorrow.
About tomorrows.
I'm still hurting.
I'm still waiting.
To exhale.
So someone at work today asked me what the highlight of my trip was. I thought about it.
I told her that it was the helicopter tour of the active volcano in the Big Island with the lava flowing with ferocity no more than 50 feet underneath. And the one night we did the white people thing. You know, rent a cottage in the mountains, drink a lot of sangria, well, everyone drank a lot of sangria, play games all night and laugh ourselves silly to sleep.
But the real highlight of my trip was laying alone on the hood of the rental car for an hour and gazing at the stars. Boundless. Endless. At 12, 000 feet.
Just gazing. And not thinking. For once.
A Rhymeless Poem
All-day meeting.
Restless.
Overwhelmed.
I can't focus.
Recurring problem.
I wiggle my toes.
My mind drifts.
It hurts.
I try to remember the waves. The sun.
And the tune.
It hurts again.
I worry.
A lot.
They tell me not to.
It doesn't help.
It hurts some more.
I hear laughter.
My reverie is broken.
I try to pay attention.
Failed attempt.
I continue to worry.
As it continues to hurt.
Apple Bottoms
I'm back. After two weeks and with something that can barely qualify as a tan.
It was a fun trip. Lots of good company, good food and lots and lots of laughs. I know I've said this before but despite all the above, it still wasn't as much fun as I expected it to be. I don't know if it was the events of the days just before or just the fact that the weather sucked for the first week that made the time there a lot less fun than it could have been. I won't go there today though. Maybe some other time.
The flight there and back was long and lonely. They say, its the journey, not the destination. The journey to anywhere has always been a lonely one for me. I may or may not be physically alone, but in my head I'm always by myself. But somehow this time, the destination didn't do it for me either. Mind you, the conditions I left in weren't the best. Not weather wise. But emotion wise. Yeah, not my finest hours. When I left, I remember walking to the gate with my heart so raw from pain, I couldn't contain the tears even in front of the hot security gaurd who was frisking me. But now, its more of a quiet, tired sadness. I don't know what is worse.
Anyway, so when the final flight was finally about to land, I watched the moon disappear behind the clouds the plane was descending in. I saw the city skyline emerge from beneath the clouds like a white ghost out of the shadows. And I remember thinking, home sweet home. But then, I thought some more. And changed my mind.
I also thought about a cute black guy who stared, no, looked at me for almost an entire hour on the local bus. He had gorgeous brown eyes. And dimples. I smiled at him before I got off the bus.
OK I know my thoughts today are all random. But I am tired from the journey. And everything else. And I still have a trek to make to the airport tonight. So I promise to be back with more stories, better stories, and pictures, later this week.
So until next time, sweet dreams.
S.
PS: I forgot to explain the title to this post. Nothing special. Or meaningful. Just a phrase that caught my fancy.
Leaving on a jet plane
As I sit here, in window seat 19A and watch the dance of the many reflections of the diamonds on my finger in the morning sunshine streaming through the window on the seatback in front of me, I think. About everything my life is.
As I stare out the window into the sky so clear, you'd think you're staring into the eyes of the one you never want to see hurt or crying, I think. About everything my life almost was.
And as I sit here and put down my thoughts on this little napkin, I think. About everything that could have been.
I know everything happens for a reason. And I know someday I'll see that reason. But it still pinches. And I don't know why. You'd think I'd be used to disappointment by now.
The plane is about to land. I close my eyes. I imagine myself in my favourite place. My happy place. And I wait.
For the storm to quietly pass me by.
This, too, must be for the best.
This, too, shall pass.
God, I may not want it, but give me what is best for me.
But God, no matter what you give me, give me the strength and the good sense to deal with it.
I wish there was someone who understood.
I wish there were someone I could talk to.
I wish you were here.
I am scared.
I am so very scared.
Sleeping with the Enemy
"Who is it?", you ask.
Not it. Them.
"Them?"....
Not people. Thoughts.
On a similar note, I had a dream that I had sex with super hot celebrity Matt Damon, a.k.a., Jason Bourne, the other night.
To put it simply but honestly, it was awesome. Everytime.
When I told my current boss and sort-of-friend, C.P., about it, he asked me a question the answer to which would have revealed a personality trait that I have managed to keep hidden from everyone, and I mean everyone, so far. And I intend to keep it that way until a situation that warrants its revelation presents itself.
So instead of answering his question, I smiled.
And walked away.
New Year Wish
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger.
I hope you still feel small beside the ocean.
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens.
May you never take one single breath for granted.
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance.
Never settle for the path of least resistance.
Sometimes life will leave you bitter.
But when you come close to selling out, reconsider.
May you live wildly and take chances worth taking.
Loving might be a mistake but its worth making.
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance.
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance....
I hope you dance.
Insights II
So, on my drive back home today from work, I passed by a high end clothing store and I remembered a conversation I had with my current boss, C.P., a couple of weeks ago.
While I was enjoying some nice home made chocolate one afternoon in his office, for some bizarre reason he wanted to tell me about some medieval king, whose name started with an 'h' by the way, who had fought a war in the Swiss Alps. He couldn't remember the name so he asked another girl on the team. She immediately knew who he was talking about. I looked at them both and asked them why on Earth they would know or care to remember something useless like that. And she turned around and jokingly said, "Because sometimes people know stuff that is not in fashion magazines."
My jaw dropped.
And I laughed. A lot.
I laughed because I thought that was funny, although I knew that she meant what she had jokingly just said.
Anyway, a few minutes later, I whined to C.P., laughingly again, that I could not believe that she thought what she did.
And in the following exact words, he said, "You know its not you. I know its not you. But its this fake persona you put out there, for a reason I will never understand or know, that makes other people think the way they do about you."
I was taken by surprise not by his matter-of-factness.
But by the truth in his statement.
2008
A very Happy New Year to you all. May this year bring you all that you've wished for and more.
Start your year of with something good, they say. It could be a good deed, a good person, a prayer or even a good thought. Because its going to stay with you the whole year through.
I can't remember what my first thought was this morning.
