So I'm leaving India in two days. I've been here for 10 days now, but it feels like I arrived yesterday. Everytime I think about it, my heart breaks a little. I cried today. In the car while my sister drove me and my Mom to the mall and they both had some sort of mundane conversation about groceries.
How much does it cost to be able to see the ones you love more than life itself smile? It costs a lot. And its not money.
I wiped my tears before we got to the mall.
I have had so much fun these past few days. The laughing, the talking late into the night, the jokes no one else will ever get. I miss that. A lot. And its just too bad.
Its not all good though. The tensions, the politics, the bickering. It all drives me insane. And what drives me more insane is how it is affecting my family. And by family I mean my immediate family. Coz those are the ones I truly care about. I hate what its doing to my Mom. I can't even fathom what it must be doing to my Dad. And I hate what its doing to them. I just wish I could do something about it.
But even with all its craziness, I love it. All of it. I can't remember the last time someone made me laugh the way my sister can. I can't remember the last time I ate something that tasted this good not because it was made well but because it was made with love. And I can't remember the last time someone looked at me with eyes that say: "I don't ever want to look away."
I don't know why I'm thinking about all this tonight.
Maybe it's because I don't want to leave.
Yet. Or at all.
I wish I knew.
I saw you averting your gaze last night.
I wish I could look into your eyes for just one moment.
I would know. And I would never have to wonder.
BLOODY FUCKING PARASITES
What goes around, comes around.
And I can't wait until it comes around to you. You all.
Be afraid. God is watching.
Home. At last.
I've been back in India for two days now.
It's been six years and somehow tonight, as I look around the walls of my old bedroom and try to count all the colours in it, just like I used to when it was two in the morning and I couldn't sleep, it feels like I never left.
My life back in Canada seems so distant. Like a dream long forgotten. My life, and everything and everyone in it. Like they don't exist.
But they do.
Namaste (Greetings) from the Motherland
So I finally made it to India, all 48 hours later. There were a few roadblocks but all is well now. I am safe and sound in New Delhi and tomorrow, I will be driven to Chandigarh, which is about 4 hours from New Delhi. That's where I was born and raised.
This post is a just a cursory one. It is 1.15 am here and I can't sleep. Firstly, because I cannot wait to see my Mommy tomorrow and the butterflies in my tummy are driving me insane. And secondly, I think my body is still running on the Canadian clock so I am thoroughly jet lagged.
Anyway, drop by again coz I'll be back with more interesting stories real soon!
Sweet dreams.
S.
I know my last post should've been my last one before I left. But I just had to share.
My exam sucked. I really think I blew it this time. I have never felt like this after any exam I've written before. Somehow this time, it really feels like I won't make it. Anyway, the results don't come out until August now. So either I can worry about it or I can just sleep on it until then.
Speaking of sleep, I haven't slept properly in three weeks now. I don't know if it was the stress of the exam or other things that have been on my mind. But tonight, I am really hoping to sleep tight. I have things to stress about still. But just for tonight, I don't want to think about any of them. I'll have plenty of time with only my thoughts to keep me company for the next 42 hours!
Also, someone I know tells me that I'm deeper than I lead everyone to believe. I have to say he is right. But if you're reading, I am a lot more in general than I lead everyone to believe.
Sweet Dreams.
S.
PS: I complained to my good friend from work, S., about how my Mommy hadn't called to wish me luck before my exam tonight. She did call. She thought my exam was tomorrow. I never doubted her for a second.
Au Revoir....
...for the time being!
This will be my last post until after I come back from India/France. I wish I had a guest blogger, kinda like an understudy, who I could designate to entertain the masses in my absence. But alas.....
Anyway, I can't wait till Friday. That's when I get to see my Mommy. Never mind the 42-hour journey, I would walk halfway across the world just to see her.
Hope you have a very enjoyable next few weeks. And I will see you when I get back. Unless I have to share something absolutely worth sharing, in which case, I might see you sometime real soon!
Take care.
S.
Will you miss me?
If you do, drop by here.
You'll find pieces of me within all these words.
Ghosts that haunt me
I dreamt about you last night. Suddenly, after eight years. I don't know why you were there. But you were.
And so was she.
I haven't slept properly in two weeks.
But during the little sleep I do get, I dream of things that are surprisingly unrelated to things that I think about. I thought I'd be dreaming about things that have been on my mind lately. And rightfully so.
I guess the things that have been on my mind lately aren't as important to me, sub-consciously, as I originally thought.
So my CGA exam is on June 12. And my flight to India is on the morning of the 13th. I can't wait!
But I will miss so much fun stuff while I'm away that I'm thinking maybe I should have planned my trip a little later on in the summer. Two weddings, one on the 16th in Ottawa and the other on the 23rd in Toronto, that I have been waiting for to happen for as long as I have been here. All my friends will be there. And there'll be dancing....
And a road trip to Pembroke with all my good friends from work, inlcuding B., T., S. and S. I know I am going to regret not having been around for this one. Because I know this one just might be our last one together as a group. Soon enough one or more of us will move on and the good times we have now will just be a thing of the past.
But I haven't seen my family, and by that I mean my Mom, in a year and I don't think I could bear one more day of that.
I guess life is all about choices.
Well, my life is all about choices.
Said of Brad Pitt: "He, of the clear-eyed, epicene handsomeness, with cheek bones to cut your heart on.....the sort of excessive beauty that is best appreciated repose on a 50-foot screen."
I disagree.
George Clooney, however....
Mmmm, I could just spread him on a cracker.
We're so busy trying to perfect our desires and the things that matter and sustain us in this world that we don't see what really is.
These things, no matter how we bring them to perfection, don't last. Accumulate vast sums of money today and feel better, but tomorrow you'll die and it's all gone away. Perfect your friendships and your relationships, but then tomorrow someone will forget you. Someone else will hurt you and someone else will die, and it's all gone away.
Then why bother?
"Brown's your colour. Because you have eyes like the desert."
Those were the words.
I wish I could have had just one moment.
And I would never have to wonder.
Have you ever thought about the following?
Something in your life that you're so thankful and happy that it happened or is happening but the timing has been off. Do you wish it happened a few years or a few months or even a few minutes sooner or later?
It has happened to me.
To be honest, even though the timing has been way off, I'm glad that it happened at all. Or I never would have known.
But to be really honest, I wish it had happened at the right time.
You've been gone for two hours and I'm already running out of things to keep myself busy.
I miss you.
S.
Very few people surprise me.
But I think I surprise a whole lot of people.
A particular conversation I had with someone yesterday really hit the point home.
