So I took a couple of days off work to study for my upcoming CGA exam. I've gotten some studying today, but not nearly as much as I had hoped.
I emailed my two good friends, S. and T., at work. Both of them said the same thing. "We got a lot done today because you're not here." I emailed another co-worker, M. She said she had gotten a lot accomplished as well. She didn't really say that it was because of my absence. But I could tell what she was trying to say.
I know how you feel. Sometimes I wish I wasn't here either.
I'M NOT READY! I'M NOT READY! I'M NOT READY!
Leave me alone.
Please.
Choices
So my Mommy said something about me to someone else yesterday. When she told me about it, it brought tears to my eyes. It's something only she would say. Not because she is my mother and all mothers say good things about their children. But because she knows me like no one else.
Someone else said to me yesterday that I had made her proud. She wished she could find someone just like me for her son. I know she meant it because I could see it in her eyes.
On another mundane Sunday evening, while it pours outside, I think.
Life is all about choices. And I really am proud of mine.
People say silence is a bad thing. I think silence is a strange thing. It can strangle the life out of anything.
But sometimes, it can become the connection between two people.
Where conversations exist, not through their words, but through their eyes.
My Immortal
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
Dumb Charades
So someone, who I don't particularly like, but who I am always civil to, does not like me. Openly. But that's really not my problem now, is it?
People from the community tell me that I should do something to rectify the situation.
I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do. But I am still wondering why I bother to continue with the charade.
PS: Something my good friend from work, T., did yesterday really surprised me. My respect for him just went up a notch.
Is there something there?
Or am I imagining things?
Word Association
Colour....White.
Fragrance....Pleasures.
Food....Mom.
Flower....Smile.
Music....Peace.
Rain....Kiss.
Sun....Yellow.
Yellow....Happy.
Religion....None. Just faith.
Smile....Eyes.
Passion....Dance.
Happy Place....Mom's lap.
Sound....Mom's bangles.
Perfection....Mom's hands.
So my good friend from work, T., and I were having a light-hearted conversation as usual today, when out of the blue, he said to me: "Hey listen, can we turn it down a notch on the jokes? I don't want the new people to think of me as the Office Buffoon, even though I know that I just might really be the Office Buffoon."
The following conversation ensued:
S: "No one thinks you're a buffoon."
T: "Look, you don't have to say that just to make me happy."
S: "Listen, I think you're very bright and a good person. I do have to say that you're quirky. But I hold you in high regard. And I know of a few other people who do the same too."
He didn't believe me.
I meant what I said, though, and I didn't know how else to say it.
Only fools don't question tradition.
So I went go-karting today with people from work and it was really fun. I was the slowest driver there, mind you. But I had a good time.
I did get a strange vibe from a particular conversation I had with someone while I was there. There was something behind a seemingly non-chalant comment. I may be wrong. But I am usually right about these things.
I wonder.
Me, Myself and my Mommy
So I told my Mommy yesterday on the phone that I had a nasty cold. To my surprise, she didn't ask me how I got it and who I might have gotten it from. So I asked her why she hadn't asked me. She said that she just knew that I would catch a cold because my exam is around the corner and that happens to me everytime an exam is approaching.
I haven't lived with her in six years. I see her for two weeks a year, if I'm lucky. And yet, she knows everything about me. And not because I've told her. But because she just knows.
I love her more than words can ever say.
And I miss her even more.
Happy Mother's Day.
S.
Is there something called Sad Friday?
So I went over to my good friend R.'s, house yesterday for a BBQ. I arrived at 6.45 pm. Ate. And then fell asleep on her couch at precisely 7.20 pm. Woke up at 9.30 pm. P. had already left to go to another party. My good friend N., and his girlfriend M., brought me home at 10.00 pm.
It's 11.00 pm now. And here I am.
I think now I really know what Sad Friday means.
On a separate note, my good friend from work, T. , asked me again today, without being prompted, if something is wrong. I wonder why that was.
I've tried to be worthy.
I guess that's not enough.
Time flies....
I am going to India on the 13th of June. I can't wait! I miss my Mommy more than words can ever say. I haven't seen her in almost a year, although, it seems like an eternity.
Anyway, I can't believe it's May 2007 already. It's been almost a year since my last visit to India and yet it feels like I came back yesterday. Somehow I feel 2006 flew by faster than any other year I can remember. But then again, I probably say the same thing every year about every previous year!
The thing to realize, though, is that time only seems to fly when you're having a good time.
PS: My good friend from work S., says that years seem shorter as you grow older as they become a smaller and smaller fraction of your life in total. Hmmm. Something to think about.
Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.
I look nice in a skirt. White and pink are flattering. And I have big eyes that light up when I laugh.
Or so he said.
Perception is everything II
I know what most people think of me. Spoilt, high maintainence, superficial. What does she know about responsibility? And the reality of it hit me today when I realized that two of my good friends from work, S. and R., not only think that about me but they actually hold it against me sometimes.
I know I've been pampered all my life.
But did anyone ever think there might be more to me than that?
Surprise! Random but pleasant!
I was talking to my good friend from work, T., on MSN today and here's a little excerpt from the conversation:
T: "So are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"
Wow! That was out of the blue....S: "What are you talking about?"
I knew exactly what he was talking about.T: "A little while ago, right after work, you made a fleeting remark that something had been bugging you lately and you didn't know what to do about it."
Damn! How on Earth does he remember that?S: "I don't remember. But if you remember some fleeting comment I made a few weeks ago, I must commend you on your memory."
Believable enough?T: "You know exactly what I'm talking about. You just don't want to share because you don't trust me."
Guess not!Now I didn't tell him what it is that has been actually bothering me. But it amazed me how he couldn't see me and yet he saw right through me.
Very few people surprise me.
More Musings
I had so many thoughts today that I am struggling to keep them all in my head long enough to put them down here.
Here goes:
I was driving by a golf course on my way back from work today and the way the evening sunshine fell on the grass, it was the most beautiful shade of green I have ever seen. Somehow it reminded me of my Mom. And her smile.
Someone I work with randomly came up to me today and gave me an unasked for shoulder rub. Now I say someone I work with because that person is more than an acquaintance but less than a friend. And I say unasked because it totally creeped me out. Usually, I don't mind being touched because I am an affectionate person. But I don't know why that totally creeped me out today. Maybe it's because I don't like him much.
I love to laugh. I get it from my Dad. I miss him.
I have to be the best at everything. I know it's stupid but that's who I am. But somehow I've just fallen short of best all my life. And that bothers me. A lot.
I know it was a long time ago. I know it doesn't matter. I don't even feel anything anymore. Not hatred, not disdain, not pity. Nothing. But I still wonder. Was any of it ever true? It probably wasn't. But how can eyes lie? I wish I had gotten a chance to talk. You know, kind of like an exit interview. I never did. It's been eight years. I still wonder. And it still stings.
P. told me how excited he was that his best friend, P., is coming to visit from Toronto this weekend. P. says he has three loves in life. Me, P. and the Leafs, in that order. But I know its P., me and then the Leafs. It doesn't bother me. I just wonder if it will ever change.
Lastly, I don't love much about myself but I love my hair.
Sweet Dreams.
S.
