The Life and Times of S

Signed my life away today.

For the second time.

posted by S @ 9:42 PM 0 comments

BLOODY FUCKING PARASITES II

I told you it was going to come back to you.
And even though, its a pity that its coming back more to your children than to you and my heart bleeds for them, its wonderful that it is coming back so soon.

If you think I'm not the vindictive type, think again.

posted by S @ 4:27 PM 0 comments

Working from home

Data. Dates. Amounts. Net Income.

Focus, S., focus.

Restless. Excited? No. Worried. Familiar commercial comes on. Arrgh. I hate this commercial. Makes me want to cry. Switched the channel. Same old. Make a mental list. Stuff to be taken care of. Focus. Focus. Make myself some tea. Mental note. Add Tata Tea to the list. Along with Chanel Inimitable. Noir.

Still restless.

Phone rings. And quiets itself. No answer. Six new messages. Not a care. I hate talking on the phone. Check my email.

Nothing. Yet. Worried. Still.

Working from home. Down the drain.

posted by S @ 2:04 PM 0 comments

I sang myself to sleep last night. I sang in the shower this morning. The smile wouldn't come off my face. And I wondered, I'm too happy. This can't be right.

It wasn't.

posted by S @ 2:01 PM 0 comments

Count your blessings

As I folded some laundry in my room today while I watched Sex and the City, a familiar commercial came on.

My mind races back to last week.

They focus on a crying or worse a sad, quiet child, kinda like the one they want you to sponsor for a dollar a day, suffering from malnutrition or AIDS or leprosy somewhere in the recesses of Africa or India or Indonesia.

I made up my mind to sponsor one of these kids. Case in point was turned down with the argument that we do enough for charity already and right now, we really don't have the money to sponsor a kid.

"Maybe later..."
I sighed and left the room.


The commercial is still on.
I'm consumed with guilt.

I avert my eyes. And continue folding the laundry.

posted by S @ 10:26 PM 0 comments

The Divorce Files

So I was looking through the electronic business data files for a law firm at work today. As I was scrolling through, I saw transactions related to divorces, that looked something like this:

30/01/2006

Divorce Files $ 5,750.00 Legal Divorce Fees - Mr. X and Ms. Y

and so on and so forth for hundreds, possibly thousands of similar transaction entries.

As I scrolled through, I thought to myself. About how something so important and life-altering can just be so insignificant for someone else. I mean, they may as well have called it, Someone's-relationship-down-the-gutter-resulting-in-monetary-benefit-to-self Files.

I don't blame the law firm. Its just business to them. And really its not their fault. They may even be helping in the closure process.

But it just hurt my heart to see that one person's immeasurable misery, so much so, that he or she had to hire a lawyer to end things with someone they thought they could have sacrificed their life and everything in it for, is a source of pleasure, financial or otherwise, to someone else. It hurt my heart to see even imagine what those poor people must go through with the whole legal separation process, towards the end of the relationship, towards the end of that era in their life.

And then I thought about how unfathomable it all is.

How is it possible that someone's feelings for someone else change for so much worse? Be it suddenly or over a long time.
Can someone really fall out of love with another person?
Is it really possible to be unable to be in the same room or house or country as someone you couldn't keep your hands off of a few months or years ago?

I scrolled through some more of the transactions.
I guess it is really possible. It happens every day.

posted by S @ 10:22 PM 0 comments

I'm a big girl now, Mommy.

So I was talking to my Mom on the phone, which is pretty much a nightly ritual, last night and she said something to me that made my heart break. And ache. For her.

It was something so sweet. So innocent. My heart bled but I still laughed my head off when I told P. about it later. It was so ridiculously cute.

Something only a mother would say. Because she is a mother that misses her child, and has not had the good fortune of seeing her child grow up during the past eight years. Because I may be a career woman of almost 30, but to her I'm still her little girl. Her little toddler who held on to her arm every night in bed.

It was so cute. I burst out laughing. And then I burst into tears.

posted by S @ 12:07 PM 0 comments

Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

Or maybe it was meant not to be.

posted by S @ 10:17 PM 0 comments

I'm strong on the surface.

But not all the way through.

Hard to tell, I know.

posted by S @ 10:15 PM 0 comments

I know. Its been a long time. Things have just been crazy.

Its been one whole year.

And its been been one whole year, and two days.

So much has changed.

So much is still the same.

And I'm still not sure how to feel.

posted by S @ 10:13 PM 0 comments