Have you ever regretted not asking a question?
You know, the kind where you have too much pride or self-doubt or whatever else selfish you may be feeling at the time, and it actually prevented you from asking or doing what you really wanted to?
And now you have no choice but to wonder forever.
I have. A few times. And I still haven't learned the lesson. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here, staring out the window and wondering.
Puts my earlier post into perspective.
So someone I met today at lunch gave me a compliment. Well, he tried to hide it with normal sounding conversation. But I knew what he was implying.
And he was probably embarassed to say it like he meant it since I am one of his clients.
Nothing special about the incident. Was cute enough to make me put it in words. And smile a little.
A Fine Moment
1.19 pm
My desk at work.
Tea.
Music. "Jhootey Naina" as in "Treacherous eyes...."
A text from my sister. Something about lying.
Co-incidental.
And the best peach I have ever tasted.
Juicy.
Ripe.
Softer than my tongue.
And sweeter than some kisses.
Maybe it wasn't a perfect moment, but it was one of the finer ones of life.
All about the destination. And destiny.
So this morning on my drive in to work, the topic of destiny came up. I don't know how it did. I think it started when I wondered about who invented/discovered radio waves or the Internet. And who was the one who thought of a device made of metal with a reverse engine turbine that could make it fly across the seven seas, without even faltering, tail wind or no tail wind. And I thought maybe those people were destined for greatness. Destined to change the world.
And then I wondered about my destiny.
About what I want it to be.
About what it may end up being.
I make money. I have a job. But thats it. Its just a job. Its not what I love. I maybe good at it. But I'm not awesome.
I want to be awesome. At what I love. Thats what I want my destiny to be.
And as the radio played, Drive my Soul, I continued to wonder.
A Closed Book.
Apparently its a bad thing.
We don't have to love someone to want them.
And we don't have to want someone we love.
September 27
The beginning of an era.
But more importantly, the end of one.
*Smile* or *Sigh*?
So I went for a walk this evening. And as I listened to one of my favourite songs, I felt the cool end-of-summer breeze touch my cheek. I saw a flock of gulls fly above me. Together. Always together.
And I don't know why, I was reminded of the end of summer last year.
I wish I could tell you in how different this year has been from last year. So much has changed. So many have changed. But my blog, my best friend, I just don't trust you enough.
1.21 am
I stepped out of the car to a breeze. Soft. Cool. The kind that makes you want to go for a walk. With a cup of tea. And someone that makes you laugh. The kind that reminds you of pianos. Music. And dancing. Dancing close. The kind that makes you fall in love.
I looked up at the sky. Clear. Starry. Perfect.
Just before I went inside, I closed my eyes. So I could remember. And then I closed the door behind me.
As I sit here alone in my bed, sipping my tea, looking out the window into the greying sky, I think. About last night.
And missed opportunities.
To or not to. That is the question.
Does it matter though?
Its Hobson's choice anyway.
Never make someone a priority in your life.
If you're only an option in theirs.
Its always better to have someone.
Even if it hurts. Even if its painful. Even if its the most painful thing you've ever had to do. Its better to have someone.
To the love of my life...
As I was leaving work today, I noticed the grey outside. Dark. Stormy, almost. And I thought. About the things rain reminds me of. About the bad days I sometimes have. The pain that I sometimes feel. The tears that I sometimes cry.
I got into the elevator and pressed 'G'. I rode down the ten floors. I walked into the hallway and watched it pour outside. Pour like it does in places we see on the news. Pour like there is no tomorrow. Pour like the sky's heart ripped in two.
And as I watched it pour through the front doors of the building and felt the breeze through the revolving doors on my face, I saw you. Parked across the street. Umbrella in hand, smile on your face. Waiting to see me.
And just like that, I forgot about all that stuff that I was thinking about. And remembered all the other stuff rain reminds me of. Home. Chai. Laughter. Family. Fragrance. And You.
I thought not about my day, but the end of every day. About how no matter what kind of day I have, how I can't wait for you to lie next to me and put your arms around my shoulders, kiss me goodnight. On my right temple. Just the way I love.
As I sit here alone on my side of the bed, waiting for you to come back home from work, I think. I love you. And I just can't live without you.
Be safe, my love.
S.
So my good friend from work, L., and I went for a walk today. And just in passing, she said something that I didn't expect her to say at all. Something that surprised me a little. Something that made me respect her more. I am a good judge of character but I hadn't judged that about her.
I smiled. And I thought to myself, there are many reasons I'm such good friends with her.
And the thing she said just got added to that list.
Pleasant Surprise
So someone told me a few days that I've made them proud. Someone I didn't expect to say something like that at all.
It made me smile.
