The Life and Times of S

Nothing is as far away as yesterday.

posted by S @ 7:12 PM 0 comments

I know I want to say something. But, somehow, as I sit here in my study once more, I can't put words together to describe how I feel right now. Its not good. Its not bad. It just is. That's really the best I can do.

On a separate note, I think I saw one of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen on my drive to work this morning. I've never seen a pink more soft and an orange more fiery. Together. Truly Halloween.

posted by S @ 7:02 PM 0 comments

So I am really liking my new boss. He is a nice guy. Funny and extremely smart. Except that he smells of smoke all the time. But thats nothing that I can't get over.

Anyway, everytime I go to him with a question, I feel like he is gauging my intelligence, which is fine, except that it makes me slightly nervous. He smiles and answers all my questions but like I've said before, there is lot more to a smile than meets the eye. I don't know what he thinks of me, yet. And that bothers me.

I hate the fact that I can't be as carefree as I want to be and as stupid as I am around him. Yet.
I have to prove myself all over again and its not turning out to be fun. Especially since I don't know how I did that when my first boss, S., was around.

And I hate the fact that it takes so much effort and so much time to build a friendship.

posted by S @ 6:49 PM 0 comments

So I went out to one of my favourite restaurants last night to celebrate my birthday with all my friends. It was a whole lot of fun. Food was amazing, as usual. I got some nice presents again. I cut another birthday cake. I still don't feel any older. Or wiser. I do feel the hole in my pocket from the expensive meal though.

Anyway, when everyone left around 3.30 am, the wind outside was loud. And chilly. Somehow I wanted to go for a walk in that wind. I didn't say anything to anyone. I couldn't possibly go for a walk, especially at that hour of the night. But I so badly wanted to.

I just wanted to hear the leaves rustling.
Next time.

posted by S @ 7:43 AM 0 comments

SIX

I wish for an eternity more.
Happy 6th, my love.
S.

posted by S @ 7:41 AM 0 comments

Keepsakes

Everyone has skeletons in their closets. On a dull Saturday morning, while I sip my tea, and listen to the BBC softly in the background, I think. But where do people hide the keepsakes from those skeletons?

Somewhere they can never be found.

Some have them in an old box in the basement. Some have them in a locked drawer in their old bedroom. Some even have them in their safety deposit boxes.

I keep my secrets in my eyes.
Where do you keep yours?

posted by S @ 6:55 AM 0 comments

28

So I celebrated my birthday yesterday. I don't feel any older. Or wiser. But when I think about it, I realize I haven't done any of the things that I had planned to do before this day actually arrived.

Anyway, it was an OK day. Everyone made me feel special. I got phone calls, texts and emails from everyone all day. There were two birthday cakes to be cut. And some nice presents.

But something was still missing. Can't put my finger on it though.

My friends are having another celebration for my birthday tonight at one of my favourite restaurants. Maybe tonight, amidst all the laughter and the company, I'll figure it out.

posted by S @ 6:44 AM 0 comments

Dance is Life

So I just got back from my Body Jam class. It was the latest release and to put it mildly, it was awesome. The high I ahve right now, despite the throbbing in my knees and my back, is hard to describe.

As I sit alone in Mom's study, I think that this is what people must feel like when they drink.

posted by S @ 4:45 PM 0 comments

So I was driving back from work today and when I passed the open area behind the airport that I so often talk about, I saw the sun breaking out through the clouds. Its been dreary and raining all day.

And just the sight of the sun, even though I couldn't feel the warmth of it on my face which is my favourite 'feeling' in the world, for those few seconds was very comforting.

It reminded me of someone's smile.
And the memory of that smile left a smile on my face.

posted by S @ 5:45 PM 0 comments

How I long for your embrace.

posted by S @ 5:44 PM 0 comments

Don't be afraid of your desire.

posted by S @ 5:12 PM 0 comments

So I still haven't called my Grandma in India yet to see how she is doing.

I'm not usually like this. I like to think that I'm considerate and thoughtful. People who know me may think otherwise.

Anyway, somehow, this time its just not coming to me.
I wonder why that is.

In my defense, I am extremely affectionate.

posted by S @ 7:18 PM 0 comments

So I found out this morning that my Grandma, who I lovingly call Dadima, in India just had surgery for cataract in both her eyes last week. My Mom didn't tell me sooner since I had my wisdom teeth pulled and wasn't keeping that well myself.

Dadima hasn't been keeping well in general lately. She is really stressed, almost in mild depression, all the time.

I love her to death, but somehow, I don't have any sympathy for her at all.

Like I've said before, what goes around, comes around.
And sooner than you think.

posted by S @ 8:49 AM 0 comments

Remember when I was wondering if one can ever really forgive and forget? If you need a reminder, go here.

I believe that people never forgive because some wounds just never heal. But one can just hope that one day one will be lucky enough to forget.

Yeah so forgiving and forgetting?
Its good advice. But its not very practical.

posted by S @ 7:51 PM 0 comments

Recovering....

So I got my wisdom teeth pulled out on Monday. The last thing I remember, as the hygienist put an oxygen mask on me and as everything started to blur, was that little prayer in my head, the one that I always say.

Its been four days since then and I am still recovering. Slowly but surely. I've been taken good care of. Very good care.

On a separate note, my very good friend S.'s grandmother passed away on Sunday. She was 91. My heart goes out to S.'s Mum, Annabelle. Its different between Mums and daughters. I can't even begin to imagine how she must feel. As I sit alone in my family room, once again, I close my eyes. And that same little prayer comes to mind.

On another separate note, the Fortune Cookie for today told me to make a journey over water to find what I seek.

But what do I really seek?

posted by S @ 12:44 PM 0 comments

Don't Turn Around

I'm gonna be strong.
I'm gonna be fine.
Don't worry about this heart of mine.
Just don't turn around.
Coz you're gonna see my heart breaking.
Don't turn around.
I don't want you to see me cry.
Walk away.
Just walk away.

posted by S @ 6:00 PM 0 comments

Its 8.00 am on Saturday morning and I am wide awake. And the strangest part is, I am happy to be wide awake. I used to love to sleep in but I don't know why, since the past few months, I just love getting out of bed early. I like having the morning to myself. I know its people with young kids who say that. And I don't have any of those. But somehow, I just can't wait to wake up early on weekends, make myself some tea, listen to the BBC and read the paper.

Strange things happen with age.
Speaking of age, I am a little worried about turning 28 real soon.

On a separate note, it was my very good friend from work, S.'s, last day at work yesterday. So we went out to celebrate his last day to a nearby bar and grill for lunch. Surprisingly, what started out at 11.30 am didn't end until 8.00 pm. I was the one who organized it all and before I left the bar, the hostess came up to me and thanked me for all the business they'd gotten out of us all!

Anyway, I guess we stuck around for so long because we were having so much fun. Its amazing how time flies by when you're having a good time. Just like the two years we worked together.

All good things have to end sometime. Alas.

S., if you're reading, I want you to know that you've been more than a pleasure to work with. And more than that, you've been a wonderful, caring friend. I wish you all the very best. For everything the future may hold.

You can make me laugh the way very few people can. I love to laugh. But more importantly, I love to laugh with you.

You will be missed.

Best Always,
S.

posted by S @ 6:42 AM 0 comments

Once again, as I sit alone in my study and sip my tea, I watch the rain outside and think about why I'm cold. Perhaps because its cold in the house. Or perhaps because there is no one here to keep me warm.

I am not in a good mood today. I don't know what it is that is bothering me so.
I wish P. was here.

While I was driving back from work amidst all the rain and the grey today, I was thinking about people that I trust. There's only three of them in this world. I've hurt them in the past. Yet, they continue to care for me as much as they do. Love me as unconditionally as they do.

I don't know what I did in my last life to ever-so-fortunate.

posted by S @ 6:48 PM 0 comments

So I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled out on Monday and I'm not looking forward to it. It'll be terribly painful for the first couple of days. I'll be taking the whole week off from work, of course.

The only good thing that comes out of this is that I won't have to deal with my new boss, who incidentally, starts his new job as my boss on Monday as well, for another week. I'm actually kinda worried about it. He is smart. Very smart.

And it will be hard to prove myself to him.

On a separate note, its raining outside. Its been damp and cold all day. The kind of dampness that chills you to the bone.

Usually, I love watching and listening to the rain. But tonight is different. Somehow, tonight as I watch the raindrops softly touch the cold blades of grass, instead of feeling the chill in my bones, I feel the chill in my heart.

posted by S @ 4:33 PM 0 comments

So I went to the dentist today for a cleaning. While the hygienist continued to work away, I couldn't help but notice her eyes, so green, and a picture of a beach, bewitchingly blue, on the ceiling . Though my favourite colour for eyes is dark brown, my next favourite is green. Blue, not a chance.

Anyway, I was told that my teeth and gums are so healthy that the cleaning would take only ten minutes from start to finish. Somewhere in those ten minutes, between the brilliant blue of the beach, the brilliant green of the hygienist's eyes and the soft music, I fell asleep.

No dreams.

On a separate note, I was asked by my friend at work, M., again, to trust no one. Apparently, not everyone is as simple minded as I am.

posted by S @ 7:08 PM 0 comments

Somebody's Me

Somebody needs to come to terms with life. Life and all the people and the things in it. Somebody needs to realize there isn't much time left. And its now or never.
Somebody needs to grow up. And realize that what's past is in the past.
Somebody needs to decide where the heart really belongs.
Somebody is hoping that somebody else will come along and tell her its all going to be OK.

That somebody's me.
And that somebody knows that its all easier said than done.

posted by S @ 7:07 PM 0 comments

So I was driving through the open area behind the airport, that I love driving through so much and that I so often talk about, on my way home from work today. And as I drove towards what looked like the horizon, I couldn't help but admire the brilliant reds of the fall.

How flawless the red leaves looked against the dull, grey sky.
So flawless, you'd think the sky was on fire.
So flawless you'd think summer was around the corner.
So deceptively flawless.


There is nothing more deceptive than a smile.

posted by S @ 4:51 PM 0 comments

Its Thanksgiving Sunday. As it slowly turns to dusk and I sit alone in my family room, listening to the soft, slightly chilly, the kind that I love breeze outside the window and the music on Channel 712, and sipping my tea, I think of all that I have to give thanks for.

Its everything.
For everything that I am, and everything and everyone that I have, I will be forever thankful.

I am not saying I have no regrets. My choices in the past were less than ideal, to say the least. But they have made me what I am today. And I am thankful for those lessons. Painful as they were.

So what are you thankful for today?
Happy Thanksgiving.
S.

posted by S @ 4:48 PM 0 comments

Absence makes the hearts grow fonder.
Too much absence, however, makes the hearts wander.

posted by S @ 12:29 PM 0 comments

Flames to dust.
Lovers to friends.
Why do all good things come to an end?

~ Nelly Furtado

On a separate note, while eating dinner with a few good friends on Saturday night, I realized how different I am from other brown people, no wait, from ALL other brown people. They don't understand my humour. They don't think the way I do. And they don't agree with most of the stuff I do, no wait, most of the stuff I WANT to do. They did not believe that I actually know someone, and someone that I actually like, who actually lives in a trailer.

So I came to the conclusion that I was born and/or raised in the wrong place.
Alas.

posted by S @ 12:16 PM 0 comments

So I was invited to a BBQ today but at the last minute, I had to cancel. So instead I went to Mum and Dad's to pick up dinner for tonight. They were both napping when I got there, so I didn't know what to do with myself. Hence this post.

I am actually kinda glad that they're both sleeping. It saves me from the 'talk' I get from Mum day in and day out. You know, the whole "You'll be done school soon enough. You're settled in your life now. And now its time to move on to the next phase of life...." talk.

I get that talk, or a blatant hint at the reason behind the talk, in one form or another every single day. From someone or another.

I get the point.
I do.

posted by S @ 5:13 PM 0 comments

Moonlight was never this intoxicating.

posted by S @ 12:01 PM 0 comments

I know you're scared too.

posted by S @ 11:49 AM 0 comments

You're everywhere....

In every grain of sand.
In the carrots in my fridge.
In the fall leaves.
In the wind beneath the fall leaves.
In every song.
In the potholes in the road.
In my dreams.
In every room of the house.
In my favourite T-shirt.
In the fighting kite strings in the sky.
In every shooting star.
In the rearview mirror.
In the book that I read last night.
In my morning bagel.


You're everywhere.
Or you're just in my head and I can't get you out of there.

posted by S @ 9:09 AM 0 comments

Its only a heart. Is it really to be blamed?

posted by S @ 8:25 AM 0 comments

Dreamcatcher III

So I woke up this morning with a start. It was the kind of waking up when you know you're awake but you just haven't gotten to the point of opening your eyes yet. I don't know if it was the dream I was just having or if it was what came to mind before I could open my eyes. I dreamt that I was back in India with my friend, H., and I took her touring around my old high school. The last thing I remember seeing in my dream was the big statue of Jesus in the school's front yard. And the blue sky above it. I figured that it was not the dream that took me by surprise. It was the person that came to mind. And the fact that it was totally unrelated to the dream.

I wonder if by some strange telepathic or karmic connection, that person knows that he/she is being thought of by someone half a world away. I know that I will never know. I just wonder.

So what was the first thing you saw in your mind's eye before you opened your eyes this morning? Can you even remember?

posted by S @ 7:32 AM 0 comments

"Have faith", you say.
I do. Just not in myself.

posted by S @ 7:14 AM 0 comments